Some Sparkers used to follow my blogs with Lil Shel; my inner child, if you will...It has been a long time since I've 'visited' with her but she showed up as I was journaling yesterday...here is the excerpt from my journal...
...being easy on myself, though, as I recognize the behavior and sit with being scared...So...what scares you, Lil Shel? Wow...I haven't 'visited' w/her in quite a long time!
As I invite her to come out, she timidly shows her face a wee bit as she peeks over a pile of rocks she is lying behind that have accumulated since the last time I visited this little garden...I also notice a lot of weeds have grown up in the garden as well...I have a pit in my stomach that I recognize as fear...fear of what?
Of approaching Lil Shel after so long of neglecting her once again, getting pre-occupied with outward 'stuff' and people instead of taking care of Self...scared you have allowed yourself to manifest physically, what has been going on emotionally for all of your life?
Lil Shel pops her head up a little too eagerly, in my opinion, after I have neglected her for far too long...I glance at her with my eyes since I have been downcast since I arrived in the garden, contemplating Lil Shel...contemplating what 'scares' me.
Maybe Lil Shel has some ideas...she might even have some of the whys...the 'where they came froms."
I take a couple steps inside the garden, toward Lil Shel...she sits up behind the pile of rocks and seems pretty defeated.
"Hi there, Lil Shel," I say to her.
Her eyes, downcast now, responds quietly, "Hi."
I continue walking toward her and sit down next to her...and...the pile of rocks... where Lil Shel sits, sifting them through her hands and back onto the pile...over and over again.
"Whatcha doin?" I ask her.
"I'm mad," she says...looking up at me with angry eyes and her mouth in a grimace, quickly crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"I see," I say to her as I place my hand upon her knee...she is so brave sitting here...so regal as she uses her voice and body language to express how she feels...I could take some lessons from this child in front of me...ah, yes...I already have...she has helped me more than once before!
She is still glaring at me...sitting cross-legged beside me. "I understand, Lil Shel...I told you before that I wouldn't leave you again." Now I sat silent...feeling defeated myself.
She jumped into my lap just then and started crying...then she screamed, "I was so scared! I thought you were never coming back!" She softened her tone now as I saw her emotions change from anger to fear. "At first I thought you were just too busy, but then I thought you were never coming back! It's been so long...and now...now, I'm scared to trust you again."
She went limp in my arms, allowing her head to fall away, looking at the pile of rocks in front of us. I gently stroked her hair and her arms as she lay, lifeless, in my lap. Neither of us saying a word, I just stared at her as she stared at that pile of rocks.
I'm not sure how much time passed, but I broke the silence, "Lil Shel, where has this pile of rocks come from?"
She turned her head toward me and said, "These are all the things I need to talk to you about," as she waved her hand slowly in front of the pile of rocks.
"Oh, things you need to talk to me about," I said...nodding my head and looking directly into her beautiful eyes.
"Yeah...after you were gone so long, I started bringing a rock to the pile whenever I had something I needed to talk to you about...so I wouldn't forget." She broke our gaze and looked at the rocks again, "And you just never came back to the garden...and my pile of rocks grew and grew..." she was quiet again, looking away.
I gently turned her head toward me with my fingertips...she, however, kept her eyes from looking into my own.
"Lil Shel," I said. She slowly turned her eyes toward mine. "Lil Shel, which one of these rocks would you like to talk about first?"
She turned around in my lap, facing the rocks, with her legs hanging over my cross-legged ones and leaned over the pile. She started moving them and looking through them intently, until she found the perfect one...she picked it out of the pile and turned slightly toward me, handing me the rock she had just found. "This one," she said, holding it out to me.
I took the rock from her dirty little hand and asked her, "What did you want to talk about when you put this rock onto the evergrowing pile?"
"I wanted to tell you I was mad at you! But I almost didn't put that rock on the pile because I thought it was a bad thing for me to be angry with you."
"Oh, Lil Shel...you are allowed to be angry...when someone promises you something, like I did, and then they break their promise, it's ok to be angry. As a matter of fact, you are allowed to feel angry...whenever you feel angry," I said with a little chuckle as I made the same realization for myself. "Anger is an emotion...we are allowed to feel our emotions, Lil Shel...we just need to be sure to talk about them when they are stuck inside of us."
"But you weren't here!" she yelled as she jumped out of my lap, turning around to face me from above, her hands on her hips.
"I know, Lil Shel." I take her hands into mine, "I'm sorry..but I'm here now...and I think it's time we cleaned up this garden...we can keep talking about the rocks and we'll pull up all the weeds, one by one...allowing the garden to be in full bloom...as it was meant to be!"
"I'd like that."
I got up to my knees and hugged Lil Shel tight...after our embrace, we began to pull some weeds from around the bench in the middle of the garden.
We were embarking upon our journey, once again...together.
And...just want to be honest that I've been struggling over the past few months with food and bingeing since my GF and I broke up...trying to get through this and it has been very hard...so many changes...finding the value of myself through journaling, counseling and my naturopath...
Health...it's what I've been after...physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...It is time to drop the old patterns and create newer, healthier ones...it is time for a shift.
Peace, love and light