Sunday, October 06, 2013
I cheated yesterday for the first time in a month and a half. I write to you from my bed which I will not leave today. Around 1:50 PM I felt the need to drink. I haven't felt this need since August 10th. I did what any normal person on here would do -- I fought it. First I stopped what I was doing and looked at my before photos. I read my blogs and looked at my inspirations. I read other people's blogs. I put on my shoes and went running. I finished week 2 of C25K. I sat and thought of the consequences. I thought of the scale and weighed myself. And I still wanted to get completely drunk. As a last resort I went on Facebook to talk to my friend who was "sick" last weekend. She wasn't sick. I saw photo after photo of her at parties and restaurants eating greasy looking food and giant pints of beer. I saw her and she was never on any low carb diet and neither were the people she was with. She never wanted to make cauliflower pizza. I had alienated my friend and I don't think she will hang out with me anymore.
Around 5 PM after hours of fighting a losing battle I was at the store buying a large bottle of wine. I didn't even think about food. Food was never my issue and even now I still don't want food. For dinner I ended up eating a veggie burger on a whole wheat bun and onion rings. My stomach doesn't hurt this morning and I never overate or made myself sick. I tasted the wine and it tasted kinda bad. I had lost my taste for it apparently. Kept drinking and then after I ate my dinner I felt this burst of energy. Oh man it was amazing. I felt more alive in that moment than I had in almost 2 months. I don't feel alive on Medifast. I feel like I am slowly dying each and every day.
Then around 7 I was completely drunk. It was awesome. I don't regret it at all. I was bursting with energy and everything around me was sparkling. My husband and I had our amazing sexy times and I just wanted to keep going. I played video games, I watched a movie, I ran around the house, I played with my cats, and I sang all The Little Mermaid songs. Then I really don't remember anything at all. No idea when I passed out.
This morning my head hurts to the 9th degree. I can barely open my eyes and I am dehydrated. I don't regret yesterday and I am smiling still. I lived yesterday. The trip to Texas is still cancelled. My friend is still a jerk. I still don't want to eat real pizza. I'm still finishing this crazy Medifast journey.
79 days left.