Saturday, October 05, 2013
Forgive the typos and grammatical errors I am typing this on my iPhone. I'm in a bad head space today. I'm angry and irritated with some people in my life. How do people who know me even just a little think that I am using back pain as some kind of excuse not to exercise or shop or go places?! How did I become that person in their eyes??
I am so pleased and excited about a 12 pound weight loss in less then three weeks! I want to share that with my friends. This morning over a fit fare breakfast, I shared with my friend. Her response was to tell me that if I exercised more I would lose more weight. For gods sake if I could walk don't you think I would? I don't wish pain or hardship on anyone particularly someone i care about but today I would wish one day of my pain on every single person who has judged me or question my motivation. One day - they couldn't handle it! I have had six blasted years of it!
I am strong I am smart I know what to do I just can't physically do it. I can't walk or stand for more than four minutes without back spasms sciatica pain lower back pain. I'm talking pain that makes me cry out. I'm talking spasms that you can physically see happening. I'm talking sciatica that is so bad and runs all the way down to my calf. Shooting pains like electricity that brings me to my knees. They know this I have told them it's not my choice.
"Well if you walk for more than four minutes you will build up your stamina". If I walk for more than four minutes I will be writhing on the floor. One day I just wish them one day. "Well if you could drop some of that weight that would probably help" No kidding!? Well I wish I would have thought of that! Then maybe I would have lost 12 pounds in 18 days! Oh wait I did! Just congratulate me and encourages me. Don't make me feel like my effort is not enough. Don't make me feel like I am not enough.
Don't they know me at all? I try to tell myself that they mean well and I know they do. It is hurtful and dismissive. They don't hear me they don't understand. I don't choose not to walk. I don't sit after four minutes because I'm tired. I don't stop after four minutes because I can't breathe or because I'm too fat. I stop after four minutes because I'm in the kind of pain that they'll probably never experience in their lives and I have lived with that pain for years. You can't just take a Tylenol for this kind of pain. It helps with the swelling but it doesn't take away the injury. I am doing everything I can. I have gone to seven different doctors I have had physical therapy three times for different things. I have had x-rays I have had light therapy massage I have had sports massage I have had Swedish massage I have been to an osteopathic doctor I am on my third chiropractor. It's not like I have been sitting waiting for miracle. I'm in pain and I want it to stop more than anyone.
Yes I get depressed about it yes I get frustrated yes I let it take over my life and I forget about my eating habits. I revert to eating badly because it's easier. Standing in the kitchen to fix a salad takes a Herculean effort. Washing dishes is a process because I have to sit and rest. Walking through a grocery store is impossible. By the time I get to the checkout I am in so much pain I'm shaking and sweating and sick to my stomach. I don't share this with people I don't complain. I explain very matter-of-factly that I have a back injury that makes it impossible for me to stand or walk for more than four minutes without having to stretch or sit. I shouldn't have to justify to people who care about me. I don't go places with friends where I can't sit down because I don't want to be a drag on other people. I would love to take my friends to the farmers market but I can't I have to go by myself because I have to take rest breaks.
This is my life this has been my life for six years! They might be tired of it sure but how do you think that I feel? One day I wish them one day of my life. They couldn't handle it.