Friday, October 04, 2013
These last several days have been a wilderness for me. I allowed a few things to knock me off balance and have been floundering ever since. I wanted to post this because EVERYONE needs to know that people who seem to have it all together struggle, people who do epic things flop... There can be a feeling with those who are just starting out or are stuck in the early stages of their journey to look at us who seem to be far along and think that we are somehow invincible or that they are somehow deficient.
You will be happy to know that while you see the cool things from my highlight reel, there are many things in the everyday drudge of life that you do not see. The pack of M&M's at the gas station, the stress eating, the inner conflict from frustration with myself, the doubting. None of us are immune, it hits all of us hard and makes us wonder. It's the coming down from the high of a huge personal victory and facing the grind that makes day to day living tough.
It's the frustration that comes from being able to swim, bike, and run epic distances, beat myself into submission, pull miracles out of my rear end and yet seem totally incapable of putting one foot in front of the other. In the everyday business of changing your lifestyle there are no crowds, no cowbells, no thumping of finish line music. Many times it's just us, alone, facing our demons, the things that put us on the dark path to begin with. The weaknesses that patiently wait for us in the dark after we get done proving to ourselves that we are special and heroic in some way.
Long after all grows silent, the gear is put away, the medal has stopped swinging on the rack, and I'm done plotting my next adventure, they are there to welcome me back. Maybe I fill my life with adventurous noise so I don't hear them calling me, mocking me, bragging of every time they brought me down.
Maybe it is easier to face a distance than it is to face myself.
Maybe I have looked at my wall of trophies then looked in the mirror and had it strike me deep that in spite of everything, I am still fat.
It takes time to finish a journey and get to the business of maintenance and I understand that, there is nothing quick fix but after over 5 years, enough is enough. I marvel at those that have lost this kind of weight in a year or so.... It makes me feel that I have wasted a lot of valuable time.
Have I fallen into the ranks of ever trying but never succeeding?
Maybe in honesty there is salvation.
One thing I will never do is post a false front. People need to see this so that by my struggles they will know that they are not weird, dysfunctional, or are some how failing. So here it is my fellow campers, my underwear is flying proudly from the flagpole for all to see and by the twilight's last gleaming, someone else will probably be set up to take their turn in the morning.
That is what makes a place like this so special.
You can get a boatload of useful information and resources anywhere on the Internet. However, only on SP do you see reality, struggle and success. You follow people along and see not only their successes but also the afore mentioned "flagpole" moments and take heart that there are no big I's and little U's here. We are all in it together for the business of setting things right.
Someday, I will be a success story too. This is where it starts.