Its all clear as mud
Friday, October 04, 2013
So i thought about it today... i gained 57 pounds in under 7 months. In order for that to be true, that means i over ate by 950/day for that entire 7 months.... yeah i dont think so! actually i know better than that. There has to be another explanation. I do have to say i deserved it after hardly eating 800 cal/day for months in order to lose the pounds just to gain back almost twice what i lost....
this also made me realize that weight loss and gain isn't as simple as calories in, calories out and BMR. If it was i could lose weight incredibly easily but the body doesn't work quite like one would think. Not to mention weight loss is so much more than physical its mental and that part of me has never seemed to come to terms with health or fitness in general.
I was listening to a SparkPeople Podcast as I was doing things around the house tonight and one of the guests said this "there are no "good foods" or "bad foods" " there are just calories and you want to make those calories count by eating the most nutritious foods. And the problem with labeling your food as good or bad is the shame and guilt you feel when you eat something bad. I was beating myself up before kickboxing tonight about how i ate so bad today even though i was within my calorie range. And i certainly could have used my calories more wisely and chosen better foods but i tracked every bite today and still wasn't over in my calories.. i should be happy and excited about that. But instead i was upset, felt guilty and killed my awesome mood i had going because i chose Taco Bell over an apple for dinner. I can't keep doing this to myself... i really cant.
The reason for my wonderful mood was 2 things: i made a motivation board tonight that i put up in my fitness room :) it needs more work and decorating but its started and that makes me feel accomplished. number two: my awesome bf Scott called me on his lunch break to tell me he is moving all our workout equipment to the new house tomorrow!!!! finally i can lift weights at home
Today I read a blog about being a "closet eater" which i had never heard the term but that is so me! I hide it when i eat McDonalds breakfasts (which has been under 3 times a month now) or if i drink a soda I hide the bottle in the garage until garbage day so Scott doesn't see it... REALLY?? i'm hiding empty cans and old garbage?!?! yupp total closet eater, or like at work when i take a treat fromt he break room I wont eat it at my desk by my coworkers, I always eat it in the breakroom where they cant see me... why am i so ashamed and hiding?? because i'm scared everyone will judge me for eating a brownie when i say i'm trying to lose weight! that is exactly it. so i'm done. done worrying about people judging my eating habits just because i'm trying to lose weight. I'm also done comparing myself to the other girls in my kickboxing class..... the don't have 67 pounds to lose so they're bodies have a better range of motion plus most of them have been kickboxing for months or years and here i am in week 4.
Today was all about me realizing that this is MY journey and although i share it with my spark friends and those around me, its still My journey. its no one else's business to judge what i am doing, and what other people are doing doesn't have anything to do with my journey. I'm just glad to have love and support but i need to be kinder to myself and stop worrying about people judging me.
i'm letting go of the bad thoughts and regrets and i'm moving on.