Denial? Legitimate reason?
Thursday, October 03, 2013
I've experienced somewhat of an onslaught of loss this year. We lost a pet, then my BELOVED Gramma. Then we lost my Nannie, then my favorite cat at the end of the summer. Tonight, Daughter goes out to feed the animals like she does every night, and the other bunny is dead. Three pets and two grandmothers lost in less than a year. There is also many things "falling apart" at the house. Several of our appliances have something wrong with them, I have an old, crappy vehicle that has an ever-present "check engine" light, awful carpeting in my house, and there are loads of unfinished projects around here. Then there's work, bills, parenting, normal stresses, family drama, thinking about going back to school to get my Bachelor's Degree. I also had a moderate concussion a little over a week ago, and that has really thrown me for a loop. I had no idea how traumatic even a mild-moderate concussion could be, but it really is a "traumatic" brain injury, just like they say it is.
I want to pause to take a moment to say that anyone who really knows me knows what a POSITIVE person I am. I am almost constantly grateful, despite any unpleasant situation I'm in. (Readers of my blogs may not see this side of me, as I typically use writing as an outlet and stress reliever). But nevertheless, I'm incredibly grateful and positive. I cannot deny, however, that this year has been rather stressful, to say the least. I can't help but notice that I am also at my highest weight of all time. Just a few moments ago, I wondered if it was somehow related to the year I've had. Naturally, my mind immediately began to wonder if I'm in denial about "why" I gained the weight...or if I actually have stumbled upon a legitimate reason for gaining so much? I mean, I'm not denying that I'm at an all-time high weight, and that I haven't made good choices. I've said that loud and clear, many times. But part of me can't help but feel like maybe I really do have a legitimate reason for being at this weight.
In short...I just can't help but feel like all the stress I've been under and loss I've been through may have a part in why I've reached this all-time high weight.
But really, what truly matters here, I suppose, is what I am going to do about it. I SO BADLY wish Gramma was here, and that I could call her and get some support and advice and motivation. I am BEYOND lost without her. I remember that line Heathcliff tells Cathy in Wuthering Heights, "I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul." That's exactly how I feel about my Gramma. But I can't call her. I can't hear her comforting voice. I can't laugh with her again. I can't get any advice or solutions. Somehow, I have to find the answer myself...but I just don't know how to do that right now.