Thursday, October 03, 2013
Yesterday I went to my assessment. It took almost 2 hours.
First I dealt with the intake person who took my basic information. Then I met with Ron who is an LCPC (Lisensed Clinical Professional Counselor). I talked very in depth about a lot that has happened in the past from childhood through high school and college to present.
He started the session with a blank piece of paper and took notes throughout it. Some of the notes he highlighted, not sure what that means (yet). After a while he explained that they take these notes and have a meeting as part of the assessment to go over them. Basically they look at my needs and see what staff they have and decide on where to place me. He said I should hear from them in a week or two.
So then I made sure to mention my self injury, trying to imply that it's more urgent than just someone suffering from depression or anxiety. Honestly it really didn't seem to phase him at all which is probably why I feel frustrated. I mean I made this appointment in August and waited for well over a month and now I have to wait another two weeks?! I'm not asking for special treatment here but come on already. I feel like the ER was more concerned about me than that! Good grief charlie brown!
So towards the end I was trying to slide in some of the symptoms I have , and I also had them written on a sheet which he decided to take a copy of before I left. He didn't give any specific diagnosis, I think that is what they also talk about during their meeting.
Overall, part of me feels like it was a bad decision to go there. When I tried explaining my reason for making an appointment I felt like I didn't matter. I told him because I feel like I NEED help (not want it, need it) and that my recent therapist recommended that I seek more treatment than once a month. She said that if I lived closer (she is up by my parents so not like I can make it up there more than once a month) she would require me to come in more often. So I KNOW from that alone I need help because I have been seeing her for almost four years. She knows me fairly well and knows that I have really being going through a lot, especially since the injury. She has seen me get worse from it herself. There wasn't much talk about my injury, just a briefing about what happened with it. But that is something I can always talk about when I get placed as long as he understood what really set me off.
So I am pretty much beyond frustrated. I mean, if I could fix things myself I would! Just not sure where to turn anymore. The people and places I am supposed to be able to trust I feel like I can't trust them.
If I had to diagnose myself (I know, not good to self diagnose but I'm no newbie to this) I would say that I have depression (there was talk yesterday that I could have major depressive disorder), anxiety, panic attacks, and I also am beginning to think that I have PTSD. Being my own judge here, I believe that I was doing mentally well before getting injured. Lately I just feel like my life is falling part.
What do I hope to see out of all of this? I just want my life back. To feel happy again. Be able to do fun things without feeling down or guilty or have flashbacks. Just be me again!