Thursday, October 03, 2013
I haven't been on spark for a while because I go threw these weird depression phases where I wont want to do ANYTHING. I wont want to talk to anyone or go outside. It feels like I'm on autopolit, watching TV or playing a stupid game, and eating junk food alllll day. After maybe, 2-3 days of doing this, I'll start feeling the guilt and EAT SOME MORE, telling myself, "oh, I'll start tomorrow".
The next day, I'll either quit mid way threw or I'll quit 2-3 days after. After I quit, it's back to that depression stage. Sometimes I go threw a motivation/cleaning bursts where I'll write out a workout/diet plan, and clean the whole house spotless.
That's where I'm at right now - That motivation/cleaning spurts after the depression stage I had all week.
I wasn't always like this, I remember being very happy and motivated to do the things I love. I use to love music and art, I actually made an art YouTube channel that was sponsored. I was crazy fit and healthy, always doing stuff all the time, keeping myself busy. - Now I feel like a total different person. I'm not liking the person I am now and I want that happiness back.
My boyfriend has been with me this whole time - from the time I was very happy and now. I know he can see that I've changed, but I don't think it's a permanent change. I know deep down I'm that same girl that loves to paint, play the guitar, and enjoys nature walks every weekend. our relationship is struggling and I know if I don't find myself again, I'll probably lose him. - which is making me cry with anxiety just thinking about losing him.
I had to write this blog twice because the last time I couldn't stop crying from the guilt and realization of how much I've changed. It's unbelievable how much this depression hangs on me. I always feel weighed down and cant accomplish anything. so, Instead of making a fitness or diet challenge, This time I need to focus on finding my inner happiness again. I'm searching for an ebooks right now that can help me because I don't know where to turn, and a therapist is just way too expensive.
Sorry for posting such a gloomy blog but it really does help me.
If you have any book suggestion that isn't religious based, I would love to know. - thanks