Thursday, October 03, 2013
Yesterday, the site was down when I was trying to blog about my health hour that I gave up, threw my hands up in defeat, and said "I'm gonna do whatever." It's a good thing the site was down. I really would have hated that blog, but would be unwilling to erase it.
Today I woke up exhausted and craving potato chips so badly I could hear the crunch and feel the bag in my greedy palms. I could picture the colorful label and I bargained with myself - Sun chips aren't so bad, right?
Thankfully after indulging in sugar over the past few days, I was too exhausted to shop and I ended up deciding to blow my calorie budget for the day again, but this time on items that could actually be called food, not flat out junk.
I'm still exhausted and drowsing and napping, but as I'm drinking water and eating today, I remember about the promise I made to myself about a month ago. Remember, Helena, when you were so tired of your flip-flopping efforts that you swore not to take it too seriously this time. You swore you'd be happy with any improvement any effort in the right direction and that if you managed to lose an average of half a pound a week you be ecstatic? Remember that? Well, Helena, it's only been a month since your restart. You promised you wouldn't expect perfection from yourself this time. And you aren't perfect, but guess what, you still managed to lose 2# in the last 4 weeks. You hit the number on the nose. You blogged along the way at least 90% of the time, even when you didn't want to or didn't know what you wanted to say because of conflicting emotions. You logged onto SparkCoach and took at least a cursory interest in the assignments, and most days, that's all it took to get you to avoid binging, to get you moving more, to get you looking on the positive side.
Today you feel exhausted, yesterday you wanted to give up, next week will be a monster work week and you're already dreading the 8th and 9th because you know you'll be awake and at work over thirty hours, feeling punch drunk from sleep deprivation and self-consciously embarrassed because you'll be blurting things out in public without a filter. (God I hate learning congress! I always have to go after working all night, I don't learn anything, and I make a worse fool of myself than usual...and until I get sleep, I don't realize how badly I behaved or how weird and crazy I looked. I want to hide somewhere! And since my work friend got fired, I won't have anyone taking me under their wing. It could get bad.)
But guess what, bad feelings don't last. Accomplishments do. (And there's an invention called duct tape - it comes in see through, too.)...so no matter what you are feeling today, tommorrow, or next week, you'll get through it and be stronger for it or if not stronger, at least you'll have 20-20 hindsight to help you sift through the aftermath and figure out what went wrong. Failure, it's inevitable, but it's not the end of the world. (It just feels like it.)