I guess it's just now hitting me: I will be running 13 miles in a couple of days.
Things here have been busy, but less chaotic than usual, although I've been neglected Spark and my training for a couple of reasons:
1. I am most certainly losing my "day job" and although I actually understand being let go, the way they are going about it is frankly VERY crappy and underhanded. It's one thing to be told "We just don't have the workload to keep you employed anymore" and quite another to attempt to find fault with everything I do, or make up excuses why I'm not "performing adequately." In my state, they have pay unemployment whether I get laid off or get fired -- it doesn't matter. And they're already in hot water because when I tried to come back after my pregnancy leave they told me they couldn't afford to bring me back. When I pointed out their legal obligations from FMLA, I was cut to part-time, and it's just been getting worse. If I knew any lawyers, I'd talk to one about suing, but really ... whatever. My new mantra is What Would Kristin Do? * More on that in a moment...
2. Depression. See above. I mean it's one thing to fight with depression on a normal day when the sun is shining and you can actually find a reason to get up in the morning. It's quite another when it feels like the ground is sinking in around you and you start to believe that nice guys finish last and why not just be the most hateful and spiteful person your illness wants you to be, right? What I figured out through Spark is that I'm an emotional non-eater. When I get upset, I don't eat. I also don't work out, don't sleep, don't do anything that usually makes me happy, and that all starts the spiral of "going into the deep" -- which is what I call it when the depression gets a toe-hold and prevents you from being able to function.
3. Busy schedule. This has GOT to stop. I was putting the Little Bear down for a nap yesterday and as I was leaving he looked at me sadly and said "Mommy gotta work?" That's all he hears anymore. I can't rock him because I have to work. I can't stay and play with him because I have to work. I have MAYBE three good hours with him a day. That's NOT the kind of mother I signed up to be. But we need money and work is the only way I know of to bring in money, so ... and of course all that leads back to #2.
I've been lucky and I've said that before. I was lucky enough for a while to be able to have time to work out, to dance, to play with my family, to spend time on Spark, and to do all the homey mommy things I wanted to do, like my Mom did. I guess now it's time to settle that Bohemian lifestyle down and take a job in a box like everybody else. Even thinking about that brings me back to #2, but it's 90% of Americans live, so why should I be any different?
4. Lack of a positive role model. I recently found one, however. Kristen Kish is new new hero. Google her. She won Top Chef last season. She was a nice person. Because she was a nice person, she was actually eliminated from the competition, but that season they featured a challenge that allowed eliminated contestants to compete to return to the competition. She managed to get back in -- and she won the whole thing. And she was NICE. When I start to get bogged down by the negativity and nonsense at work, and how everyone around is stabbing everyone else in the back or throwing them under the proverbial "bus" -- I think of Kristen. Nice guys don't finish last -- they make a comeback and they WIN.
There isn't any reason to be hateful or spiteful. Nice people still win. I will find a new job WITHOUT caving in to the hate and petty actions of others. I don't want to be hate-filled like those people. I don't want to be so worried about "covering my butt" that I try to screw over other people. I want to be like Kristen. I want to achieve great success but only if I can do it by being NICE.
So, all that said -- I'm still freaked out at having to run, since I haven't trained properly and I really don't have ANY idea what the experience will entail. I may fall flat on my face because I didn't prepare. It's nobody's fault but my own if I do fail. But I'm not anticipating failure. Honestly, this race means NOTHING to anybody but me. Nobody is going to care if I finish or not. Nobody is going to care if I sneak off the line and go home. Nobody is going to cheer me at the finish line -- well, no that's not true. Other runners always cheer you. That's one thing I really like about runners. And Mom will be there.
I won't fall. And I WILL finish, if I have to walk it. That's okay too. Right now I'll consider it a personal achievement to actually get up that morning and place my feet on the starting line. Fighting this depression is practically a full-time job, but if I can beat it back to its corner for the next two days, I think I might have a shot at beating it down for race day :)
Thirteen miles. Wow. I can do it. I can't wait to see how it feels, actually. It's scary, but all the really important achievements in life start out scary, don't they?
Countdown begins ...