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    AMANDANCES   31,626
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OMG - I'm running a half marathon in TWO DAYS!!!! :O

Thursday, October 03, 2013

I guess it's just now hitting me: I will be running 13 miles in a couple of days.

Whoa.

Things here have been busy, but less chaotic than usual, although I've been neglected Spark and my training for a couple of reasons:

1. I am most certainly losing my "day job" and although I actually understand being let go, the way they are going about it is frankly VERY crappy and underhanded. It's one thing to be told "We just don't have the workload to keep you employed anymore" and quite another to attempt to find fault with everything I do, or make up excuses why I'm not "performing adequately." In my state, they have pay unemployment whether I get laid off or get fired -- it doesn't matter. And they're already in hot water because when I tried to come back after my pregnancy leave they told me they couldn't afford to bring me back. When I pointed out their legal obligations from FMLA, I was cut to part-time, and it's just been getting worse. If I knew any lawyers, I'd talk to one about suing, but really ... whatever. My new mantra is What Would Kristin Do? * More on that in a moment...

2. Depression. See above. I mean it's one thing to fight with depression on a normal day when the sun is shining and you can actually find a reason to get up in the morning. It's quite another when it feels like the ground is sinking in around you and you start to believe that nice guys finish last and why not just be the most hateful and spiteful person your illness wants you to be, right? What I figured out through Spark is that I'm an emotional non-eater. When I get upset, I don't eat. I also don't work out, don't sleep, don't do anything that usually makes me happy, and that all starts the spiral of "going into the deep" -- which is what I call it when the depression gets a toe-hold and prevents you from being able to function.

3. Busy schedule. This has GOT to stop. I was putting the Little Bear down for a nap yesterday and as I was leaving he looked at me sadly and said "Mommy gotta work?" That's all he hears anymore. I can't rock him because I have to work. I can't stay and play with him because I have to work. I have MAYBE three good hours with him a day. That's NOT the kind of mother I signed up to be. But we need money and work is the only way I know of to bring in money, so ... and of course all that leads back to #2.

I've been lucky and I've said that before. I was lucky enough for a while to be able to have time to work out, to dance, to play with my family, to spend time on Spark, and to do all the homey mommy things I wanted to do, like my Mom did. I guess now it's time to settle that Bohemian lifestyle down and take a job in a box like everybody else. Even thinking about that brings me back to #2, but it's 90% of Americans live, so why should I be any different?

4. Lack of a positive role model. I recently found one, however. Kristen Kish is new new hero. Google her. She won Top Chef last season. She was a nice person. Because she was a nice person, she was actually eliminated from the competition, but that season they featured a challenge that allowed eliminated contestants to compete to return to the competition. She managed to get back in -- and she won the whole thing. And she was NICE. When I start to get bogged down by the negativity and nonsense at work, and how everyone around is stabbing everyone else in the back or throwing them under the proverbial "bus" -- I think of Kristen. Nice guys don't finish last -- they make a comeback and they WIN.

There isn't any reason to be hateful or spiteful. Nice people still win. I will find a new job WITHOUT caving in to the hate and petty actions of others. I don't want to be hate-filled like those people. I don't want to be so worried about "covering my butt" that I try to screw over other people. I want to be like Kristen. I want to achieve great success but only if I can do it by being NICE.

So, all that said -- I'm still freaked out at having to run, since I haven't trained properly and I really don't have ANY idea what the experience will entail. I may fall flat on my face because I didn't prepare. It's nobody's fault but my own if I do fail. But I'm not anticipating failure. Honestly, this race means NOTHING to anybody but me. Nobody is going to care if I finish or not. Nobody is going to care if I sneak off the line and go home. Nobody is going to cheer me at the finish line -- well, no that's not true. Other runners always cheer you. That's one thing I really like about runners. And Mom will be there.

I won't fall. And I WILL finish, if I have to walk it. That's okay too. Right now I'll consider it a personal achievement to actually get up that morning and place my feet on the starting line. Fighting this depression is practically a full-time job, but if I can beat it back to its corner for the next two days, I think I might have a shot at beating it down for race day :)

Thirteen miles. Wow. I can do it. I can't wait to see how it feels, actually. It's scary, but all the really important achievements in life start out scary, don't they?

Countdown begins ...

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAW_OH 10/5/2013 11:53PM

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WORKOUTWITHPAM 10/3/2013 6:44PM

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GRACEOMALLEY 10/3/2013 6:43PM

    I am so pleased you were able to verbalize all of this here - but may I add a new perspective to a thing or two?

The loss of a job and the related income can suck - but did they appreciate you? Allow you to do your best and encourage you to grow and get better? Did they encourage you in the things you did well and offer support where you might have been a little weaker? I'd say you are well rid of them. Get out there and start right now looking for a new and more fullfilling gig. I know the job market stinks, but you should start while you're still employed, as people who are employed, even part time, tend to be viewed more favorably than those who are not employed. Not right and not fair, but that is how it is.

Accept that you are a good, intelligent, competent woman and employee. Consider the source of the comments trying to diminish and demean you - those are NOT people worthy of your respect, are they? They do not behave in a manner you consider honest or ethical or appropriate - so don't give them any additional power over you beyond the fact they sign your paychecks. They definitely are not worth it.

Promise youself little things - for me one is doing at least 2 ten minute workout videos a day. Those are things you can virtually always fit in and you can put on a little show for your little man at the same time.

Don't know if you are old enough to recall it, but you might google the Saturday Night Live skits done by Al franken about Stuart Smalley. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enought, and doggone it - I'm worth it!" You are worth it.

As for the half marathon - do your best. That is all any of us can do. If you finish, be proud. If you don't finish - be proud you had the courage to try. If you are sore for a day or two after, consider it is the price you pay for being brave enough to put yourself out there for this. You'll do great! I have faith!
emoticon NEVER GIVE UP!!!!

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FAVALL 10/3/2013 4:57PM

    You are going to "feel" the wonderful endorphins! Do your best. That's enough for your personal achievement and be proud of your progress.

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MARGARITTM 10/3/2013 12:27PM

    Can't wait to read the review!

Have fun you are going to do fantastic.

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HEALTHIERKEN 10/3/2013 10:53AM

    What a great blog! Depression's a b***h, for sure, but it sounds like you have good strategies for keeping the worst of it at bay.

A Half in two days???? Way to go! Really. I've been running 10k for a while and thought this season would be when I would try a Half. Ha! Once I made that a goal, I ran less and now can only walk a 5 or 10k course. You're 'way ahead of me and I don't even have your obstacles to use as excuses.

Even 3 hours a day with your son are 3 hours of life-lomg happy memories for both of you. Cherish the time : )

So, yes, start the Half. You'll finish it even if you walk some or all of it. That you start will be an accomplishment and that you finish will be another accomplishment. Best wishes. You Go Girl!


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CAROLCRC 10/3/2013 10:23AM

    Just plug away at it - think about it one mile at a time and you'll do great. Can't wait to hear your race report.

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ENCHANTEDBROOM 10/3/2013 9:37AM

    Now, Now, Now, don't give in to that negativity!!! You are better than that!!! You know you can finish the Marathon.

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IFDEEVARUNS2 10/3/2013 9:25AM

    Take it slow, take walk breaks, and you will definitely finish. It will feel absolutely awesome. emoticon emoticon

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