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    1STATEOFDENIAL   128,172
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I'm totally shattered and broken

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

WARNING: Don't read unless you have a strong heart. My pain has been poured out into a mess below.

I've reached the end of my rope. I've hit the limit of things I can deal with. My ARMHS worker was on her way and my lawyer emailed me asking me to write down all of my symptoms for most of my conditions. When I said that's just too much for me, he said he really needs it so I need to do it. Why does everyone who is supposed to help me get to DEMAND that I do things I CAN'T do before they'll even consider helping me? I'm in overwhelming pain, I'm so far past exhausted, I can't take care of my basic needs, yet everyone gets to demand things from me.

Then to top it off, 11 days after my last period started, I'm getting significant spotting again, the same as when my periods start. 11 days between periods! And I have PMDD to deal with! It's just too much! It's far too much! I just keep crying. I was able to distract for a few hours while Viggling, but otherwise I just keep crying; the tears just keep coming. I just can't even cope anymore. This stress will be what kills me. I guarantee it.

Plus something's wrong with my hip (probably the SI joint) so my left leg is turn in and keeps going dead. I don't even have the energy to stand up long enough to make enough food for me to eat. Both of my knees feel like they've been beaten with sledgehammers. My jaw keeps locking and hurts ridiculously bad. My allergies are going crazy because I haven't been able to vacuum or change the sheets on my couch/bed in something like 2 months. The doctors all tell me to do PT as if it's a magical cure to everything, completely ignoring me when I say that even 10 minutes of gentle PT can make even getting up and walking 30 steps to the bathroom feel like climbing a mountain. My ARMHS worker and therapist want me working on skills to deal with my mental health issues, which I can't do because I can't get past the idea that the only point for me to be on this earth is for others to use and abuse me, because I have no rights and must always sacrifice myself for everyone else. Because look at what I have to deal with! My rights are being taken away from me and everyone is DEMANDING I do what they expect of me RIGHT THIS MOMENT NO MATTER WHAT OR WE WILL NEVER DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. And I do it all alone. My own family treats me like a piece of garbage they can destroy at any moment and that my only worth is when I can stop being a piece of garbage and do everything they want - which is impossible. When you're nothing but a possession and punching bag for your family and most of the people around you, what's the point?

I can't even cope anymore. How will I deal with being homeless in a few months? What about a year from now when the EDS has progressed to the point that I can't do anything for myself? How will I deal with being torn to pieces at my SSDI hearing in 3 weeks? The only way I've even made it through the past few months is by telling myself every week/day/hour that if I just ignore life for the rest of the day I can always give up and be done tomorrow. I'm not living, I'm not functioning, I'm not surviving, I'm not even existing. I'm literally just taking up space at this point. I actually feel like I'm committing a crime just by asking for help because I'll never again be the person I once was; and even then more people hated me than anything.

I know no one here can do anything to help me. The people who can help me want me to sell my soul before they will, while the people who would be willing to help can't. I've spent my entire life doing for me because no one else would. It is what it is and it's not going to change because life is not a fairytale - no one will come rescue me from my hell. Unfortunately for all of you, I just wanted to put my current state of hell out there so someone knows, not just me. I'm sorry.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RISINGBLUESTAR 10/20/2013 11:52PM

    emoticon
You have a lot of insightful advice for others and while that may not seem like much, putting a smile on someone's face or giving them a different perspective can have a huge impact.

I know you just want to feel well and be able to do more for yourself. Just keep taking it one day at a time because that's all you (or anybody) can really do. It's difficult and it's okay to have days where you are not so emotionally strong. Keep fighting.



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SONGWRITER8 10/6/2013 10:46AM

    I've been reading your responses to the blogs of one of the young girls in the team I co-lead "Insanity for the Ladies". I enjoy and admire your insight for her so I came to see your Sparkpage. This is not what I was expecting... I had no idea you face so many challenges and so much pain.

First of all, let me say that what I have seen in your writing and support is insightful, extremely intelligent and offers great support. I believe that what you write really helps ! I know you can't do much, but you are able to work with the computer and help people. I wonder if there is a job or something you can do to take this to the next level ? It may help you feel less helpless and show your family that they are wrong.

I am reminded of Steven Hawking - his body has failed him (and I know nothing about why) - but he is respected as one of our century's brilliant minds.
Hang in there - praying for you !

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NPA4LOSS 10/5/2013 11:12PM

    We can pray and listen and we will keep on doing just that. emoticon

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CARMEN327 10/5/2013 12:24PM

    Hugs. You are so tough and amazing. I am praying for quick resolution/relief.

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SHERRYGAYL 10/3/2013 11:29AM

    Hey but your SSDI hearing is this month? That's fantastic! Surely the judge will look at your records, talk to you for a bit, and realize how dire your situation is. Hearings are not being delayed but all the assistants who write the verdicts are furloughed right now so the judge will make his verdict and then it will sit there until those poor people are back on the job and get caught up with their work. I met with the lawyer yesterday about Riley's hearing (also this month) and asked her specifically about that.

As for the rest of that, I don't know how many of those people are stupid and how many just aren't hearing you. Perhaps they can read your blogs here and at CaringBridge? That should give them a reasonably good idea of some of what's going on.

Can you take BC pills? They can really help control PMDD and out of whack cycles but they also have potential side effects and I don't know about the risk v. reward ratio for your situation.

By the way, my offer still stands. You know the one I mean.

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PAMNANGEL 10/3/2013 3:48AM

    emoticon

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JAMER123 10/3/2013 12:01AM

    Sheri, I am so sorry you have been going through all this! I don't know how I can help other than to be here to support you as you make the next day, hour or minute. i know you have gone every route that is open to you but without getting through. I can only hope the new lawyer can eventually understand your situation and find some help for you! Thoughts & prayer are coming your direction! God bless.
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MOM2ACAT 10/2/2013 4:09PM

    Sheri, I am so sorry; my heart is breaking for you. I wish I had some advice for you, or words of comfort, but I do not know what to say. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/2/2013 4:09:35 PM

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LEWISHBLOVE 10/2/2013 8:11AM

    Don't ever be sorry dear, it helps to get it all out. As for everything else, I'm not sure what to say, I want to say something profound and inspiring, something to bring you comfort and joy, peace, love....but I know my words cannot do that for you. I hope that your new lawyer, even though he seems to not really understand your pain/situation is successful. He does seem like he wants to help you.

Again, my thoughts and prayers are always with you
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