Tuesday, October 01, 2013
What is the one thing that helps you get through stress?
It has been eating me alive lately. I am at fault for letting it control me. I haven't been keeping up on here or putting in anything. Which is going to change today. I think I need to "Write It Out" every day to stay insane. I am not sure if I should let my issues out. My trainer asked me to tell him what is wrong with me and I just can't do that. I can't put the stress of me on anyone else. The issues I have are deep seeded and I have had them since I was a little girl. So let's try to get some of this out today.... If you don't want to hear a sob story, I would stop reading now.
I found out a few weeks ago that my Mother basically never wanted me. She said that for the past 26 years of her life she couldn't be herself and it wasn't fair. She always had to be a Mom and nothing else. And now she can be herself and it doesn't matter how I feel. By the way, I am 26. I was lied to about my paternal father and that is killing me in itself. I now talk to him with out prejudice and my Step-Father refuses to talk to me because of it. My Mother thinks I am an idiot for talking to my Dad. He is my Dad, my Father. The man that has always been there for me. She is clearly jealous of the relationship and my Step=Father hates it because he no longer has control over me.
Since I was a little girl I was always told I wouldn't amount to anything. I was called names, pushed off to my other family members and even placed in Foster Care. I was mentally and physically abused. And no one would believe me because my Mother said I was a compulsive liar. When I was 16 my Mom drained my bank account and said that it was payment for taking care of me since I was born. To this day nothing I do makes my Mother happy. Since getting cancer she tells people how hard it is on HER. Doesn't talk to me about my disease or the fact that I will keep getting cancer back. She tells everyone that she is a mess because her DAUGHTER has cancer. Or how I call it, the Big C Word. After my surgery she left me to go be with her husband because she felt he was more important. Then yelled at me when I took care of my kids... I didn't have anyone there to help me. Bottom line, I have never felt good enough. Nothing I say or do makes a difference or makes anyone happy.
I think that is enough issue dealing for one day. I am trying to stay strong but honestly I am falling apart lately. Hopefully I can get a grip on everything and push through.
I have to!