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An Honest Blog

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

I don't know why I titled my blog that way. I am always honest here. Well pretty honest. I don't want people in my real life to know about this blog because as I tell my Du: "On Spark, I bare my soul." And sometimes I would just as soon people I meet face-to-face don't know that much about my inner feelings. I hate crying in front of people, it embarrasses me so much, and as a person who cries at the drop of a hat, that has always been a problem in my life. So on this blog, as I write it from home and I write from my heart, I can cry and tell you all about my life and how I feel about what is happening to me, without fear of showing my emotions too much. Because I don't really know any of you, even though so many of you have become my close friends. Doesn't make much sense, does it, but this is how I feel.

Chris, my youngest son, who was best man at his buddy's wedding last weekend, met a girl there. His buddy, the groom, had told him he might. I think they had this girl in mind for Chris for a while, she is a friend of the bride. This girl, Mandy, called him last night, TWICE, they talked for hours. Now, I have said I WANT Chris to find a GF, to have someone in his life. Since he broke up with the girl who I'm afraid was the love of his life, about 6 years ago, he has had few dates, and often says that he will never find anyone.

Chris & Nikki at my middle son's wedding in 2006.

Chris is a little insecure about his appearance, thinking that he is too fat. But he works hard trying to keep the pounds off, sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much. We commiserate about our love for food and our hate of being fat. I think he is a very good looking young man. But then I am his mother....

Wasn't he an adorable little boy? He was ring bearer at his Aunt's wedding in 1988, when he was only two years old!

With his current job as a Railroad Engineer, it will be difficult to have any kind of dating relationship, since he is gone so much, at least during the months when the RR is super busy. During the winter, it slows down. He has not been laid off during these first two years he has worked there, but it is a distinct possibility every year. He doesn't mind that possibility. He has lots of money saved and right now has little financial responsibility. I always thought if he had a GF, she would be there for him when he was home, at odd hours of the day or night, and that would help make his life of constant work more tolerable.

I have often stated that I WANT Chris to have someone in his life, but the possibility that he might have a new girlfriend kind of scares me now that I am faced with the very real prospect of that happening. Am I that overbearing, interfering mom, that only cares about herself, and doesn't really want her son to be happy? God....I hope I'm not. These are just my inner feelings, I would never express anything like this to Chris. I would never actually stand in the way of him having a relationship with a woman. But I hate that I feel this way. Fear changes a person.

Someone on my last blog about the wedding commented that I shouldn't expect my son to continue to live at home if he does get into a relationship, because I had jokingly (I think) stated that I hoped he would do so. Perhaps she didn't know my story, that my husband is sick, dying.....and it scares me so much to think of being all alone. So I cling to Chris, and pray that he will keep living at home, at least for a while. Is that so wrong? I find myself worrying that he will be around even less if he gets into a relationship with this Mandy. That is so wrong and yet I can't help how I feel.

I see Duane slipping away more and more every day. How he continues to work, I don't know. He has little energy, and comes home and sleeps the evening away almost every workday. I know going to work completely saps all his strength and energy. He did go out Sunday evening and wash my car. That's how wonderful he is. What will I do without him?

I was thinking the other day that maybe I need to start distancing myself from him now, so that losing him won't hurt so much. If I could just care a little less, then maybe when he is gone, I won't be so lost. But I could never do that. In the first place, he deserves better. In the second place, I just love him too much to distance myself just to guard against my own grief.

I know how lucky I have been to have the love of my life by my side the last 43+ years. He stayed with me when I was morbidly obese, telling me that "he saw beyond the fat." I never doubted his love and the thought of losing that security is devastating.

But the knowledge of how lucky I have been doesn't keep me from wishing I could go on being lucky forever... I try to cling to him, to each moment we have together. I think of how much I am going to miss him and wish I could have those moments back. I think the fear of having regrets in the future is the worst. Because I know there will be so many regrets.

We are going back to Cancer Treatment Center of America later this month. They will do scans and blood tests and we will know how the disease is progressing. I am so afraid of these results. He coughs a lot. Is the cancer in his lungs? He gets uncontrollably cold after eating a meal. What is that about? Of course with the hormone shots, he has hot flashes, but what is the deal with him being so cold? His hips hurt. He has difficulty getting up. Once he is up from a seated position he can walk pretty well, but he has always had superhuman strength. Reminds me of Walt the other night on the finale of Breaking Bad. Even after he was mortally wounded in the gun battle that he himself instigated, he finished up his business. That is my Du. I really dread seeing him growing weaker and weaker. So far he is still strong. Last week when we took Amber (DGD) to Nebraska City, he carried her everywhere. I can't even do that, at 4 years old, she is just too heavy for me to carry around much. What will I do without my big strong wonderful Du by my side? It is just too scary to think about. And if Chris leaves me too, I'll be like Scarlett O'Hara---what will I do? Where will I go?

Thank God for this little dog---I'm hanging on to her forever!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CANNIE50
    Knowing how much you love your beloved man, I cannot imagine you distancing yourself but I can imagine that the grieving process has begun and that is nothing to feel guilty about. I think it is similar to labor - long before we actually go into labor, most of us experience minor contractions which are paving the way for the hard work ahead. As far as not wanting your son to move away, I just gently suggest you not "borrow trouble ahead". You never know, Pam, this girl might be the love of your handsome son's life, and a blessing to you and the rest of the family. Things won't change overnight and, if their relationship progresses, you will have time to adapt and sort through your feelings and fears. You are facing a lot so I hope you are not too hard on yourself, as you face an uncertain future. Your husband is indeed very strong and it sounds like that is serving him well as he deals with such a brutal foe. Take care, Pam.
    1548 days ago
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  • EFFECT25
    About distancing yourself from your husband: I don't think you can do it consciously anyhow. But may be the course of his illness will do it any ways. What I am going to say will sound harsh, but since we are being honest here and bearing our souls, let me say it.
    My very very close friend got a brain cancer last year. I was devastated when I learned about it. She was like a sister for me. In the city we lived in, she did not have anyone but me as close. And so I had to take care of her. Each day she was getting worse and worse. She had this attacks - kind of seizures-that would last various amounts of times, from 1 minute to 30minutes to hours and I had to hold her so that she did not move too much and hit herself somewhere. The first time I had to do it, I was very much in deep psychological pain. But the second day, I noticed how COLD I have become. After a while, I stopped feeling! I stopped feeling anything. I was just like a doctor treating a patient, and wanted her to go. I just wanted her to go, don't know where, how, but I wanted to be free. That is it what I have to say.
    P.S. her radiotherapy removed her cancer cells, and it has been few months that she is perfectly fine and healthy.

    1569 days ago
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    1574 days ago
  • KROLES55
    You and Du are in my prayers..Know that you are loved by so many of us. emoticon
    1574 days ago
    I am not facing the loss of a DH but I am totally getting where you are coming from . Perhaps because my son is my only child, don't know. And the hardest part is he went thru one wife and now onto the 2nd one..............his choice not mine..........I suppose that is the way it works but I surely would have picked one that was not totally "All about HER". You have so much on your plate right now and things are twisted and not easy to sort out.................not that they are easy to sort out even in a "perfect life" Just pray that all things go the right honest way is all we Mommies can do for our children. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1574 days ago
    I totally get what you are saying about sharing your soul...I find SP very therapeutic
    and I encourage you to continue doing what is right for you. Take care of you! (my favorite line from Pretty Woman). emoticon

    SENTERSTOCK, Grandmother's Fitness Club co-leader.
    1574 days ago
    We cling to those we love with fierce and awesome feelings. No wife should turn her back on her husband or a mother on her son. Your feelings are real and your reality is that you
    will lose those you love. But make those wonderful memories now and let the future take care of itself. Use the time you have wisely and no regrets. HUGS!
    1575 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    It made me smile when you wondered if you were the overbearing mother. Nah. You've got two daughters-in-law already and seem to have a good relationship with them. You're going through a lot of emotional turmoil right now, but if Chris found someone who made him happy you would be thrilled. I think you're just having an anxious moment, which is understandable. You're under a lot of stress and you're probably feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster.

    I know it's scary to think of the future. Right now you just have to get through each day. Make the decisions you can and let God worry about the rest. Hold Du close and give Chris the room he needs to get on with his life. I know you've got this.
    1575 days ago
    I do hope you have a support group where you live that you can go to! I think your feelings are natural given your situation. I would think your worry about your son isn't needed. He knows what is happening and I am sure he wants to be there to help you. And you know you can't distance yourself from your husband so it doesn't hurt so much. Love doesn't work that way. You are stronger than you know!
    1575 days ago
    First and foremost, do NOT distance yourself from Du. It won't help you at all, and it will add tons of guilt to the grief later on. Enjoy each moment and just roll with the flow. It's hard, but you won't have regrets later. Besides...if the roles were reversed, would Du distance himself from you? I doubt it. Stay close and take it one step at a time. You'll look back on this some day and be glad you did.

    As for your son, your feelings are natural. I went through something similar when one of my brothers stayed with me for a few months during a rough patch in his marriage. I've always been single and it was hard to get used to having someone else in the house. I did get used to having him here, however, and enjoyed his company. A few months later my kitty died and a week after that my brother and his wife patched things up and he moved back home, where he belonged. Oh, it was hard on me but he belonged at home with his wife and daughter so there was no question about him staying. Such it will be with you. You're used to having your son around, especially as you look forward, but if he finds a good woman, that is where he belongs and you will get through it, just like I did.

    Prayers for you and your family continue.

    1575 days ago
  • -RUBIES-
    You are dealing with a lot and understandbly so, it would take it's toll on you, however, you should probably reach out for help via a support group or at least a close female friend that really loves you and care about what you are going through. Don't keep it all in. It sounds like you are wearing a smile but beneath it all is fear and pain.

    As for your son, let him go and be free to live his life fully. I can understand wanting to hold on to him, but, that would be to his detriment.

    Unfortunately, you are going through turbulent times and emotions. Put your hand in God's hand and trust HIM to lead you through. You are going to get through this. You're gonna make it.

    Proverbs 3:5&6
    1575 days ago
    Prayers emoticon
    1575 days ago
    I truly understand and empathize with all of your conflicted emotions ---- given all the turmoil in your life.
    Your son has a loving mother who I'm sure wants to see him happy and self sufficient, some day.
    And your husband has a life partner - who is providing the love and support he so needs at this most fragile time. And I know how badly you also need the love and support ---- is there a support group you can join just to vent and receive positive feedback??

    ..keep that furball close and hug her often. Don't know what I'd do without mine --- especially in trying times.

    Hugs and luv,

    1575 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/1/2013 1:48:50 PM
    Hope the tests will turn out better than you expect
    1575 days ago
    I'll keep you and yours in my prayers. emoticon
    1575 days ago
    Very hard times you are going through. It is good you can speak freely here with friends that really do care about you. Your feelings about wanting to protect yourself and draw family in to surround you make perfect sense. But you are a good person that will not allow yourself to carry those feelings too far. You may like Chris' new girl, and she may turn out to be a wonderful addition. Let's hope so. Take care. And unload on us whenever you feel the need.
    1575 days ago
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