I don't know why I titled my blog that way. I am always honest here. Well pretty honest. I don't want people in my real life to know about this blog because as I tell my Du: "On Spark, I bare my soul." And sometimes I would just as soon people I meet face-to-face don't know that much about my inner feelings. I hate crying in front of people, it embarrasses me so much, and as a person who cries at the drop of a hat, that has always been a problem in my life. So on this blog, as I write it from home and I write from my heart, I can cry and tell you all about my life and how I feel about what is happening to me, without fear of showing my emotions too much. Because I don't really know any of you, even though so many of you have become my close friends. Doesn't make much sense, does it, but this is how I feel.
Chris, my youngest son, who was best man at his buddy's wedding last weekend, met a girl there. His buddy, the groom, had told him he might. I think they had this girl in mind for Chris for a while, she is a friend of the bride. This girl, Mandy, called him last night, TWICE, they talked for hours. Now, I have said I WANT Chris to find a GF, to have someone in his life. Since he broke up with the girl who I'm afraid was the love of his life, about 6 years ago, he has had few dates, and often says that he will never find anyone.
Chris & Nikki at my middle son's wedding in 2006.
Chris is a little insecure about his appearance, thinking that he is too fat. But he works hard trying to keep the pounds off, sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much. We commiserate about our love for food and our hate of being fat. I think he is a very good looking young man. But then I am his mother....
Wasn't he an adorable little boy? He was ring bearer at his Aunt's wedding in 1988, when he was only two years old!
With his current job as a Railroad Engineer, it will be difficult to have any kind of dating relationship, since he is gone so much, at least during the months when the RR is super busy. During the winter, it slows down. He has not been laid off during these first two years he has worked there, but it is a distinct possibility every year. He doesn't mind that possibility. He has lots of money saved and right now has little financial responsibility. I always thought if he had a GF, she would be there for him when he was home, at odd hours of the day or night, and that would help make his life of constant work more tolerable.
I have often stated that I WANT Chris to have someone in his life, but the possibility that he might have a new girlfriend kind of scares me now that I am faced with the very real prospect of that happening. Am I that overbearing, interfering mom, that only cares about herself, and doesn't really want her son to be happy? God....I hope I'm not. These are just my inner feelings, I would never express anything like this to Chris. I would never actually stand in the way of him having a relationship with a woman. But I hate that I feel this way. Fear changes a person.
Someone on my last blog about the wedding commented that I shouldn't expect my son to continue to live at home if he does get into a relationship, because I had jokingly (I think) stated that I hoped he would do so. Perhaps she didn't know my story, that my husband is sick, dying.....and it scares me so much to think of being all alone. So I cling to Chris, and pray that he will keep living at home, at least for a while. Is that so wrong? I find myself worrying that he will be around even less if he gets into a relationship with this Mandy. That is so wrong and yet I can't help how I feel.
I see Duane slipping away more and more every day. How he continues to work, I don't know. He has little energy, and comes home and sleeps the evening away almost every workday. I know going to work completely saps all his strength and energy. He did go out Sunday evening and wash my car. That's how wonderful he is. What will I do without him?
I was thinking the other day that maybe I need to start distancing myself from him now, so that losing him won't hurt so much. If I could just care a little less, then maybe when he is gone, I won't be so lost. But I could never do that. In the first place, he deserves better. In the second place, I just love him too much to distance myself just to guard against my own grief.
I know how lucky I have been to have the love of my life by my side the last 43+ years. He stayed with me when I was morbidly obese, telling me that "he saw beyond the fat." I never doubted his love and the thought of losing that security is devastating.
But the knowledge of how lucky I have been doesn't keep me from wishing I could go on being lucky forever... I try to cling to him, to each moment we have together. I think of how much I am going to miss him and wish I could have those moments back. I think the fear of having regrets in the future is the worst. Because I know there will be so many regrets.
We are going back to Cancer Treatment Center of America later this month. They will do scans and blood tests and we will know how the disease is progressing. I am so afraid of these results. He coughs a lot. Is the cancer in his lungs? He gets uncontrollably cold after eating a meal. What is that about? Of course with the hormone shots, he has hot flashes, but what is the deal with him being so cold? His hips hurt. He has difficulty getting up. Once he is up from a seated position he can walk pretty well, but he has always had superhuman strength. Reminds me of Walt the other night on the finale of Breaking Bad. Even after he was mortally wounded in the gun battle that he himself instigated, he finished up his business. That is my Du. I really dread seeing him growing weaker and weaker. So far he is still strong. Last week when we took Amber (DGD) to Nebraska City, he carried her everywhere. I can't even do that, at 4 years old, she is just too heavy for me to carry around much. What will I do without my big strong wonderful Du by my side? It is just too scary to think about. And if Chris leaves me too, I'll be like Scarlett O'Hara---what will I do? Where will I go?
Thank God for this little dog---I'm hanging on to her forever!