Monday, September 30, 2013
I just returned from the attorney's office where I signed my divorce petition. I am overwhelmed with sadness. I did not seek this divorce. But at this point I need this divorce for my own well being and protection.
These last two weekends my husband has been here over the weekend and he and I and our two adult sons (24 and 26)have tackled the storage room in the basement -- all the artifacts of our 28 years of family life together. Sorting boxes of books for the library sale, donations for the local family service agency, all the family pictures, camping equipment, etc., etc.
I decided I cannot have another weekend like this for while. I need next weekend off and I'm in class the weekend after that. My older son leaves for the army at the end of this month and that will be an adjustment indeed -- as he had boomeranged back home for the last year.
I am grieving the loss of my marriage. But when I am honest, I feel like I am grieving what I now realize I never had. My husband would comply with any task I asked him to do -- and he is all about "duty and obligation" as he sees it. But this isn't love or partnership, or intimacy. This process was not really overt -- it was insidious and complicated. I loved him. I think I might still love him. He has been psychologically abusive, though, and he has always had to have the attention focused on him. Easily frustrated. Easily bored. In charge, and yet dependent. "His majesty, the baby." Not truthful or forthcoming. Always had to be his way and now I see he often lied and was deceitful. It took many years to realize that he never felt he was wrong or apologized for anything.
I was always trying to figure out what was wrong with him and fix it. I was misguided. I always felt like I had three children. Two of them grew up.
My food is better than when I joined SP but not where I want it. I'm up in calories and not planning well. I'm tracking, though, and I feel good about that. I started to walk the dogs this last week. I have no energy to do this tonight.
I have such a long way to go to take care of myself more consistently and better. Its also true that I have made much progress here.