When I want to book a meeting with my doctor I have to use some computer program that requests a Bank-ID. I managed to get through at the end of august when I wanted to make an appointment for the start of october when my medication is finished...it was not possible to book that long in advance so I sent them a message and asked to be put on the list... and after that I have not been able to get in, the rpogram has crashed every time. This morning I tried agian – the program chrashed..then I tried to switch browser from Firefox to Safari and halleluja! it worked!
Then I learned that I had a time scheduled this morning! I came in at 9 and the appointment was at 10.40 so it was great. It said that it would not be the same doctor and that got me a little depressed as I wanted to brag about my good results – AND tell him that he had done som successful work with me as I he had helped me to get motivated to help myself... so I was thinking that I would ask for his address and write him a letter... but when I came to the health centre it was him! I was happy, he was impressed, he noted my bloddpressure to 128/82, even better than last week...
We agreed to cancel the gastric bypass – that makes me a little nervous because what if I fall again and gain all that weight back?... but I am happy for the decision!. Got my prescription for new medicin for the oedema, the doctor told me that there is a possibility if I lose more weight and keep exercising, that I will be able to let go of those pills...another good motivator!
That was the good thing...the bad thing was wehn I got to my dog carer and she told me that she had decided to commit suciside. I was really in a hurry but you can´t just say "oh well, okay..." so I sat and talked with her for a while. I can´t really describe the situation, she has aspberger and ADHD, she has battled a lot of anxiety problems and alcoholism - and she had a gastric bypass some years ago. She tells me that her anxiety is gone and that is why she finally thinks she will end it. She will explain it to her daugheter and wait until the doaughter has accepted it...it´s as you understand very weird and to be honest I get sort of bored. She has called the mental care, she will probably see a psychiatrist, she thinks it will take some time before she will get the acceptance she needs... I just listened and said sort of "ooookaaayy..." (I also said that my mother was not the most perfect mother, overweight, alcoholic and depressed but I would never ever have given her the permission to leave me...)
I don´t know if it is good or bad that I reconize a lot of whatnshe is talking about. What is hard is that I feel sort of indifferent, AND maybe a little irritated, I want to say "Hey, grow up, will you, use your brain and find a meaning!"
When I got out I had gotten a very expensive parking fine... grrr. I wanted to go in again and say "look what your pityparty brought on ME!"
Now I notice that it is very hard to handle this turmoil of feelings when I don´t have food as the emergency exit.