Sunday, September 29, 2013
Looking in the mirror, I see the person I am and the person I never wanted to be looking back. So many years are now gone, and I'm still the little child hiding in the attic to insulate myself from it all. I didn't want to think, then, and I still try not to really delve too deep even today. I walled myself off when I was small, and rarely emerge even now from my "safe" cubby hole. Eating has been just another way to build those walls around me. Another way to escape having to really try much of anything and failing - or at least I think I'd fail. From walking away from my first love because I was sure he'd find someone prettier and certainly more talented than me, to wanting to run away from real challenges at work even today - it's always been because I never felt worth it. I've always felt like a disappointment. I couldn't - can't - do it runs through my thoughts and actions year after year after year.
I want to take that first step outside, to stop living in this constricting hole before I'm too old to even care. I want to shed this person and find out who is really in there.
First step is planning tomorrow - one day at a time as they say.