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    IVYRAYNE   1,903
1,000-2,499 SparkPoints

Eating feelings.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

This week has been pretty bad for the diet. I am having a few domestic problems and have found myself eating my feeling again. Not good! I have to get back on track this week. So I am going to use today to give myself a cuddle, then a kick up the backside tomorrow and get back into it. If I have put on this week I only have myself to blame.

It is hard to actually let myself feel instead of eating them down. They don't go away, they just get crushed by all the food. It really doesn't do much to help. In fact it makes matters more because then I don't just feel bad, I feel guilty. Then comes the self hate. Hating what I am, who I am, what I see in the mirror. So much to hate. I feel selfish and greedy. So does eating your feelings really make you feel better? No, of course not. But for just a few minutes while ramming the food in, there is nothing to think about but eating. It's not like you enjoy the food, in fact most of the time I don't even taste it, it's just there and going down. Why is it always high fat food as well? How come you can't eat your feelings with fruit, or veg? Why is it always high fat, high carb and high sugar? it makes no sense but it is the easiest thing in the world to do.

But feeling is so hard. After years of never feeling, never being allowed to feel, how do I get past that? Isn't it odd how your childhood years affect the reat of your life. It's just a few short years too. It's just, what 16 years? 18 years? 21 years?? Yet they affect what the rest of your life will be like. But then that is like saying I am shackled to my past. But I am not, I am not locked to it. I can leave it whenever I want to. I just have to find the courage to say, enough! To stand up and leave those shackles behind, walk out of the cell, out of the dungeon and into the sun. It's like there is a piece of elastic between you and those shackles. And every so often when things are going so very wrong that elastic tightens and I am being pulled back. Then I have to start again. Climb those stairs or climb out of the well.

I don't know. I think it is just one of those days today. I know it will pass and I know I will be able to climb back out, I always do. But right now it is dark and cold where I am. And so very lonely.


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
CHERYL_ANNE 9/29/2013 10:38AM

    I am an Emotional Eater. It took me a long time to "get" that I was entitled and allowed to express my feelings and emotions instead of stuffing them down inside me with food. It takes constant balancing and vigilance and it is one of many things I have made peace with doing for the rest of my life.

How did I get to that point? By deciding that the emotional baggage was just too heavy to drag with me any longer. Because that's what I was doing. Dragging it with me. Sacrificing my feelings and emotions. Then one day, I decided to try what I had been researching and working on. So I took a deep breath and just started forgiving people and events. Not to their faces and not in the places, just forgiving them so that I could have peace from it.

Forgiving means that I take my power back - I am not holding onto the negativity and powerlessness. Forgiving means that I still remember, it just feels like I'm viewing it through a lens - more space between me and the events/people who "hurt" me.

Half my time on SparkPeople I have been working on my head - so that I can mentally get to a place that will sync up with my heart/body.

If there's one thing I've learned about EE (Emotional Eating), it's that unlike other people who have issues (alchohol/drugs, etc.) and have the ability to abstain, we all have to eat.

So that is why I think of food as fuel. Make decisions on what to eat based on how best it will power me through my day. That it is just one day at a time. That I eat to live and not live to eat. That I work on using the coping skills and defense mechanisms at my disposable for dealing with stressful situations in my life instead of stuffing things down inside me with food.

That I will no longer punish myself for something someone else says or does.

I made a promise to myself a little over a year ago that I would chart the course and begin my journey to become the healthiest I can be. It is not about a number on the scale or a clothing size. It is purely about being healthy in both mind and body. I know that I will make future discoveries that I can implement on my quest.

So every day I do what it is I need to do. And if I find myself getting in my own way, as soon as I realize it, I step aside, pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue.

You got this. You can do it.

I wish you much success on your journey to becoming the healthiest you can be!


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CLASSYLADYMAY 9/29/2013 9:23AM

    I so know his you feel!! And I know his hard too!! I am trying mediation and yoga to get in a better place and be more calm and deal with things better so i.don't just eat stuff to feel better. remember this is a kidney and takes time to learn and grow. I hope things get better for you!! Hang in there. a lit if us have give thru this. you are beautiful inside and out. don't forget that!

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