Friday, September 27, 2013
I been so busy and stressed lately. I hadn't even realized that it has been so long since I last wrote. We had our second meet the teacher this week. We already met!! We shouldn't have had two...but we did...oh well. It just made the week seem really long. I am still struggling with accepting the school situation. I am letting it affect me too much. I have been thinking over the last two days that I need to pull myself out of this funk before it gets out of hand. A little over a year ago, I knew I was dealing with depression and had to see the doctor about getting on some medicine so that it wouldn't get out of control. My dad has dealt with it most of his life and he has been hospitalized several times from it. He has had to seek severe treatment and is still on medicine for it. I have seen some (not even all) of what he has been through with it and I don't want myself or my children going through that. That is why the first go around I saw my doctor about it. I don't feel like this bout is as bad, but it is slowly getting worse I am noticing. Things that aren't that bad and shouldn't affect me as much seem like the end of the world. I cry for no real reason at all. No legitimate reason. I don't do it as much as I was last year, but it is becoming more frequent.
I am searching within myself, trying to use rational and cognitive thinking, and looking towards God for help. Since moving up here after getting married, I never found a church where I felt at home. My husband's church wasn't bad, but I didn't connect with the sermons or feel right there. I felt judged a bit. We both went a few times, but he had his own concerns with that church and we stopped going. My children attend an awesome daycare that is in a church and they learn so much about the Lord there. My daughter is in her last year there in their Kindergarten program. In first grade, she will start public school and won't be getting that church influence from school anymore so I feel it is important that we find a church over the next year. I got my family to visit a church with me last weekend, thinking maybe that would help. It was another nice church, with a great sermon, but I don't know. It still doesn't feel like me. We are trying a different one this weekend and I hope its a fit. Our town isn't very big, so there aren't many options. To go to another town we will have to drive at least 20 miles there and we don't want to lose our Sunday family time to that. We already feel that we lose so much time with our kids during the week as it is.
So, I am looking. I am searching. I need to get out of this rather than letting it control me. I am thinking of taking some time from planned dieting. I am going to try to enforce and follow things that I have learned from various diets, but I just want to live and get happy. I know exercise is a big mood booster so I am going to focus on that. We still have 90 degree temps, but hopefully it will cool down soon. I am conflicted a bit, because I know that losing weight will help me feel better, but I am having trouble pushing past the first couple of days. I will do good 2-3 days and then crash and burn as I did last night. It wasn't pretty. I binged and I haven't done that in a long time. Disappointing. Today is another day though, another chance.
I know I have rambled on and on. Just getting things out. Maybe it will help. Maybe not, but worth trying!