Friday, September 27, 2013
I realized that I haven't written a blog post on here in two years. A lot has happened in that time. To make it short, we got a dog, did a lot of work on our house and then... I started to get sick. Well, sick as in - I couldn't move. Everything hurt all the time and it would take precious little to strain my limbs to the point where it felt like they were being ripped out of the sockets.
Because of this I gained weight... I couldn't exercise without sending myself into days worth of pain. Okay, a few times I tried to hop on the ol' elliptical, but after a day or two I'd end up in pain, confused, and more miserable and disheartened than I was before.
I ended up with a diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Funny enough, a lot of my friends have a similar diagnosis and all fairly recently too. At this point, I was at 185 lbs. 30 lbs. heavier than my wedding date.
I struggled with work, even typing was causing problems. My anxiety levels were through the roof, so much so that even the sound of a door closing sent me into a panic. Since I worked at a school, every time the classes would change (every 45-50 minutes or so) I'd go into panic from the noise.
I almost lost my job because of this, but thankfully they let me go on leave instead. So for three months I begged my doctors to help me. Nothing. I tried gentle water aerobics, but because it was winter, when I left the building I ended up being worse off than I was before. It wasn't anything that could be sustained long-term either as the class was in the middle of the day.
So for thee months I just wallowed in self-pity, depression, and anger. I was angry at myself for "letting" this happen, even though I knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it from happening. All the while my body kept gaining... slowly, but surely... a pound here, a pound there... at this point I didn't even care anymore.
I finally met with a doctor that found a way to help me. I started taking gabapentin (neurontin) and that seemed to make all the difference in the world. I could get up and walk around, I could function at work, things were looking up.
Little did I notice, the weight kept piling on. 5 lbs here, 5 lbs there... and my appetite skyrocketed. I felt like I had no control over my eating - I just wanted to eat.
At one point over the summer I started having tremors and I started taking Ativan to curb them (as they were a physical manifestation of my anxiety) and I finally started to feel better.
Although that came with a price...
This morning I weighed myself... 208 lbs. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life. The extra weight is cumbersome, like the way it would feel to wear a "fat suit." I feel clumsy and uncomfortable - not because of what people see, but because the fat is constricting.
Something else I've noticed in the process of trying to feel better is that (this may be tmi for some - fair warning) is that my intestines have been acting up more and more over the last 4 - 5 years. I never really thought about it except for recently. The more I paid attention to what I ate, the more I realized that my stomach would be upset more often when I ate bread, pasta, that sort of thing. *sigh* One more thing to deal with.
So I've been avoiding gluten as best as I can. It's not perfect, but at least I'm making a conscious effort. I've noticed that my stomach hurts a lot less and my, um, "leavings" look a lot healthier than they did before.
And the bento? Well, it's always been something I've been interested in for a long time. I thought that it might be a fun thing for Garry and I to do together (or even just for myself) and it would be a good way to "distract" me from my sadness over my favorite foods turning on me. I also thought that maybe it would be helpful toward my goal of just eating healthier and correct portion sizes.
I ordered a pretty decent-sized amount of items from a website called jbox.com. I should have it in a few days and I'm really looking forward to it. In the meantime, I've been making lunches for Garry and I using cheapie bento-wanna-be boxes. Today I had some sliced veggies (cucumber, red pepper, and carrot) with some feta and hummus, and two sweet potato patties I made last night. It was all very tasty!
I guess my biggest concern is exercise. Even trying 30 minutes on the elliptical burns me out. Maybe just starting smaller... 15 minutes.... maybe that will help.
Hopefully I will find a way to keep this up.