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"NO", I will not say "Yes".

Friday, September 27, 2013

So, I am working through the article, "23 Things Every Woman Should Stop Doing" for the next few months.

Started last week with "apologizing all the time". I was so guilty of this and I believed it would be a REALLY tough habit to break. But, honestly, after catching myself a couple of times, it hasn't been that difficult to eradicate "sorry" from my vocabulary.

I've replaced it with "pardon me" or "excuse me" on several occasions and simply being mindful of it has allowed me to think before I say it. I ask myself, "Am I apologizing for being who I am?" If so, I'm not saying it. My boyfriend noticed the first time he saw me that I wasn't saying it as much. Success! And will continue to work on this one.

Next up...saying "yes" to everyone else.

From the article:
"Yes, I will meet you for coffee even though Iím exhausted and just want to go home and crawl into bed. Yes, I will edit your resume even though Iím swamped with my own work. Yes, I will go on a double date with you, your almost-boyfriend and his awful friend whoís in town. Stop saying 'yes' when you donít truly mean it. People actually respect you more when you set boundaries."

I believe I learned this lesson quite a long time ago, in terms of activities and volunteering for things. However, it occurs to me that I need to focus this one on my parenting of my children.

Mr. T made a very helpful observation a few weeks ago and noticed that my kids really tend to walk all over me. They are used to getting everything they want when they want it (yes, they are SEVERELY spoiled at the other house). It has made for a difficult transition. And, while we both love my kids tremendously, it is clear that there are times when the way they treat me and order me around is unacceptable.

Up until now, I have just done anything they ask whenever they keep the peace. It is running me ragged, friends. I absolutely cannot do it any longer.

Obviously, I can't say "no" to my kids' every request. LOL. That would be the opposite extreme of bad parenting. But I CAN be very deliberate in what I ask them to do themselves (because they are capable and responsible enough to do so) and what I actually do FOR them. This one will be tricky and delicate and I will need to call on quite a bit of patience and perseverance.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    A very wise woman once told me that being a parent is not a popularity contest. So true. But so tough when all parents are not disciplining and loving the same way.

    I worked with troubled teens for 11 years - trust me, saying yes all the time does not "raise your children".

    Keep walking strong! Your kids will thank you... it may be a long way down the road, but they will!!
    1116 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    Nice post!
    1117 days ago
    1118 days ago
    I have also been working on "sorry"! It is interesting how often I say it! It becomes a habit, and a mindset. As for the kids, (sigh) it is HARD to say no. Especially when you have a large basket of guilt that you carry with you. so first, put the basket down. Imagine there is no other house. And then realize that sometimes you will still let them get away with stuff you shouldn't, because sometimes you just don't want to fight. But as you work together, it will get better. We all know that life is not easy, and if you make it too easy, they will not be as ready for their own lives as they could be!

    Keep the faith! You ARE a good mom!!!
    1118 days ago
  • KIPPER15
    I replaced saying "sorry" with "regrettably", "excuse me", or just plain old "no". Life got better and I stopped getting walked on so much. Kids are harder. I said yes to keep the peace with my stepson. It turned him into a really not nice person to be around. My lovely husband finally set the two of us down and laid out the ground rules, I would say no and my stepson would have to live with it. Very hard at first, a large amount of tantrums and pouting, but we got through it. Good luck. emoticon
    1120 days ago
  • KAREN608
    I remember my Mom, when I asked her for something I could do myself, she would say, what? your arms broken?
    Needed a definition of a word.... Go look it up, you know where the dictionary is (before computers!). My Dad used to say, when we complained:
    You'd complain if I poured melted chocolate in your hand!

    I don't think we were perfect kids.
    1120 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    You really struck a cord with me when you wrote about saying yes to your children all the time. I'm finding that my five year old grandson has become a tyrant--and I only have the one to deal with. You have to be three times more diplomatic. I do remember explaining to my son (when he was much younger) that the rules at our house weren't the same as the rules at Grandma's house. You just have to go with your gut on this. I know I don't believe in peace at all costs, though.

    I love the poster!
    1120 days ago
    Another good read! Funny how opposite us "guy" types are, as I'm learning to apologize, recognizing and admitting when I'm wrong.
    1120 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    You are on an enriching journey! I love this blog!
    1121 days ago
    YOU CAN DO THIS! And I CAN TOO! My boys (8 and 10) try to do the same to me. I'm doing it differently this time around with my 2 yr old daughter. Sometimes I wanna smack myself and say, "Liz, why didn't you do this with the boys!?!" But it will get better. Thanks for posting this blog!
    1121 days ago
    Wow. I think I do all the same things. I will he thinking about this one for sure. Thanks!
    1121 days ago
    Good for you. You need to set boundaries and be mindful of when you say yes to your kids and everyone else. As Mothers, we often put ourselves last and then when we need to come first, no one comes through for us - or it is a short time frame and then they expect you to be up doing stuff for everyone.

    1121 days ago
  • RAINA413
    Thank you for sharing that article. I found it really interesting and I am going to also work my way through it day by day trying to "Stop Doing Things Women Should No Longer Do". Obviously, not having kids, I don't have to worry about being a helicopter parent as it were, but I sure do appreciate what DIANNEMT said, "I wish ALL parents would STOP doing exactly what their kids want the instant they want it. I feel kids have no patience AND they expect everyone to do things for them instead of doing it themselves."
    1121 days ago
    I wish ALL parents would STOP doing exactly what their kids want the instant they want it. I feel kids have no patience AND they expect everyone to do things for them instead of doing it themselves.

    I even "trained" my kids to just DO some things without asking--as they got older. "Would it make a difference in the world in 5 days?"--if the answer was NO, then just do what they thought was right/ok/fine and remeind me that they had thought about this--and I'd say "ok" OR explain why it WASN'T ok and they'd learn something--but they wouldn't be wrong in either case.
    1121 days ago

    You have made it very clear on several occasions that you disapprove of my choice to get a divorce. Thank you for your concern and care for my children. I do appreciate that. That being said, I have received your message and there is no need to mention this or bring it up again on any further blogs.

    Hope you have a wonderful weekend! It's gorgeous out here! Perfect hiking weather!

    1121 days ago
    Most kids do get what they want after a divorce because they are really the ones that have to adjust the most as they did not want or ask for their home to split up and now because of their parent's decision they don't really have a permanent home, they are shuffled back and forth. I have always wished the kids could stay in the house and the parents move in and out every other week so they could see how it feels.

    I'm sure you won't like my take on it but I do feel sorry for kids when they have to go back and forth.

    Good luck!

    1121 days ago
    1121 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1121 days ago
  • CAROL_31649731
    Very insightful of you--to see this in your own parenting style. We always used the word "feasible" when my kids were growing up. We would discuss their request & decide whether it was doable or not--and if it wasn't, then that was our chance to explain why. Turned it into a learning experience--there were only a few times I remember having to resort the old "because I said so."
    1121 days ago
    1121 days ago
    1121 days ago
    you can do it! And kids are good at reading people; knowing who they can push and just how far. Once you establish your new habit of SELECTIVE yeses, they'll figure it out pretty quick.
    1121 days ago
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