Not there yet

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Hello dear friends and followers of my blogs, I am delighted to be with you all tonight. I know its been a while since I have written my thoughts. Perhaps because this has been a difficult health journey. Not just for what I have encountered and have yet to go through but because it takes its toll on you, mentally as well as physically.

You know in your heart your body better than anyone, therefore there are no real surprises when you look back. Seems we all have a way of diagnosing ourselves and just need a doctor to convey we were right all along. Sometimes I know from past experience, that is the real challenge, getting one to listen.

That was not the deal this time around though. I knew something was wrong, but this time around I had no idea it would be so serious. I was totally taken by surprise. But as with life, the surprise mellows and then you are left with the reality, and then question, "what could I do to help my situation, what are my options, are there any? Then its learning all you can so you know what to ask when confronting your doctor and trying to remain calm and yet take in all they are telling you once again. I know I must be rambling, but if you have ever been confronted with a life changing health event you totally get me and where this is going.

So I have read everything I can find on the internet and what others have alerted me to to read and I thank you. I have empowered myself with all the info on my condition, possibilities and options and I'm not there yet. I'm not totally confident in this whole surgery thing.

So I have my questions ready for the surgeon I will meet on Tuesday of next week. I have read reviews and studied her credentials and I am with a well experienced surgeon so that is a plus. Will I need to consult with an Oncologist or involve one, that is still the question that remains to be answered.

Have my symptoms diminished? At times its like I'm getting better, then a little shift in my activities and its all back with a vengeance and I ask myself, "When will I be whole again, and not have every day of worry and pain, fear and discontentment?"

I know I need to save my energy and keep my strength up, a total hysterectomy is a major surgery, but its easier said than done. Especially when you have a disabled spouse that so needs to depend on you, as he is too weak to help with common household things. And you have a child that is great help when she is home from school, but at 13 doesn't really need to be taking care of her parents in such a way, and I love her that she just "wants to".

So sometimes there are dishes in the sink, there may be more dust than generally, and perhaps the floors don't get swept every day, but anyone that visits will get a fine cup of tea or coffee, good conversation and support and encouragement that only I know how to give to those that enter my home., its just who I am no matter what the situation I am facing.

Some days I cry at the drop of a hat, I hate to admit but some days I can't stand myself, I become someone else, pushing through the pain, frustrated that I can't do what I want when I want, and the pain sometimes takes my breathe away. I'm sick of the sickness, and not being there yet.

I want to get back with my teams, friends, creating challenges, losing weight again, and feeling stronger and confident and free spirited. Instead of acting out, out of fear, and yet I am determined when I get mad to not let this win, turn into full blown cancer and rob me of the things I love most. I so admire so many of my friends, survivors. I have fought this battle before, I keep telling myself, I can do it again. This time will be no different. I hope I am right.

So I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, I will try to be strong even when I am weak. I will continue to be humble, and appreciate each day and give thanks to God. I will pray and remain hopeful, for it is my faith that carries me. I will get there soon, I'm just not there yet!

Love & Hugs to all, God Bless
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