Thursday, September 26, 2013
I barely knew what a seizure was when I had my first one. I was 19, living on my own, had a job, a car, and what I thought was a great way of starting my life living away from home for the first time. That all came to a halt when I discovered I had seizures. I was in my apt. waiting for my brother to pick me up for work. I waited and waited. He finally came, saying he had been there, and called me on the phone. I thought he was just kidding me. Little did I know I had had a seizure. A couple of weeks later I was riding with my Dad when I had another. Then of course, my Dad knew what was wrong, as my Mom used to have them when Mom & Dad were first married. That was the beginning of a lot of changes in my life. My parents made an appointment with a neurologist, and I discovered I had epilepsy. The only reason he could come up with why I got them so late in life was because of a blow on my head when an ex-boyfriend beat me a year earlier. I was put on meds and my whole life changed. I had to move back with Mom & Dad, could not drive due to the seizures. So I had to depend on others (mostly, my Mom & Dad) for rides to work, or rides anywhere. I was so angry, and confused and kept asking "Why me?" I even wrote God a letter telling Him how angry I was at Him, asking Him what did I do to deserve this? The worst part of the seizures is having grand mal seizures, and not remembering anything about having one, waking up confused, and feeling like someone has hit me across the forehead with a baseball bat. I usually know right away that I have had one from just the way I feel.
Over the years I have had hundreds. I have almost drowned in a tub twice, (so I do not take baths anymore, just showers) been in 2 car accidents while I was driving. and at one time I had as many as 20 in a row. I have not driven for over 9 years. My last car accident I was going 65 down a highway, crossed over the median, and ended up in the field on the other side of the road. Fortunately, I did not kill my self or take someone with ). I did however hurt my neck, and arm. I ended up having some vertebreas replaced, and had roto cuff surgery. Some people were very understanding about my seizures, but others were not ( even a few members of my family) I was on many different meds, and had side effects from many of them. I got tremors from several of them. I shook so bad, I could hardly write, or button my blouse. I had a hard time eating, getting the food up to my mouth. At times I hated them so bad, I did not want to go out, or even do anything. Over the years I have had many, many hundreds of them. I thought maybe I would outgrow them, as my Mom did. But no such luck. When I moved here over a year ago, I had 2 and was seizure free until this last Monday. I was walking to the library to take a book back. I remember crossing the street, and the next thing I knew I was in an ambulance while someone was asking me a lot of questions which I could not answer, as when I come to from having a seizure, I am so, so confused. I did not realize I had one until I was in the hospital. I had hurt my head, so they had my neck in a neck brace. They took an MRI and didn't find anything wrong, except a broken nose. I guess I forward unto my face. They kept me in the hospital for almost 5 hours to observe and make sure there was nothing else wrong. Before I left the hospital, I looked like a raccoon. My nose was swollen almost twice its normal size. I have not been on SP since Sunday because of this, and have not gone to school, because I didn't want the kids seeing me how I looked. My friend who is also a foster grandma told my teachers, and the kids filled out this big sheet of paper with "We miss you, Grandma Barb" and they had all signed it on the inside of this huge card. My friend brought it over after school. I just cried when I rec'd it. I cannot describe how it made me feel. Yes, I will keep praying that this one will be my last one, but if it isn't I will go on, as I have all these years. I keep trying to understand why I keep getting them, but realize there is not too much I can do about it. I could tell myself that I had been exercising too much, or too much bike riding, or if I had only done this or that, but know that is not why. It just happens, and will probably happen again. I just Thank God, that I have so many in my family who understand and so many many friends who understand and still care for me even if I do have them. This is why I have been gone for all these days. I have missed being here, and am not sure when I will catch up. I will do a little at a time. It seems this was the worst one I have had, and hopefully it will be the last one I ever have. It seems like having seizures for almost all of my life has helped make me a stronger person, and a person I will never regret being.