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    SHRINKINGLULU   12,447
10,000-14,999 SparkPoints

Now I Smash My Friends.

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Thursday, September 26, 2013

If you're a follower, and still around, oh my goodness, awesome!!!

I felt like all of you were / are owed and update and explanation. You stuck by and supported me through so much. My friends, and Sparkpeople as a whole...


That's why I haven't been here.

I don't need it.

My lifestyle changed, and the worst thing I could do is obsess about it.

I have kept off every pound I lost, and a few more, though I don't often bust out the scale anymore. Maybe once every other month or so, just to make sure I'm not delusional.

I did finally pass my Fresh Meat derby assessments, though I had to go through ALL of fresh meat a second time to do it, and roller derby is the highlight of my life these days. I skate 2-3 nights a week, I have this huge circle of new friends, it builds physical activity into my schedule in a way that doesn't feel like "exercise," and, most importantly, it makes me SO HAPPY.

See? Proof!
The final verdict on derby name, by the way: Charlemangle
It makes me feel tough and smart!
It used to be that I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without getting huffing and puffing. Now I smash into my friends 3 nights a week on skates and covered in sweat and love every second of it (well, maybe not that exact second when I hit the floor real hard).

I ended my relationship with my ex just shy of 10 years together. I didn't mention him much, but he was mentioned, so I feel like I should say something.
It's a big risk, when you change your life, that you will change yourself right out of several friendships, and maybe even your relationship. I saw it happen with a lot of other successful sparkers.
It makes me feel like I have to defend myself. He stayed with me all the years I was fat, and as soon as I start feeling empowered and good about myself I have the nerve to dump him?
Short answer: yes.
Hint at the long answer: weight loss was just one (admittedly major) part of really working hard to be the person I want to be. The more I changed, and the more he stayed the same, the less we had in common. He couldn't understand or appreciate me anymore. I did things that made my soul grow and grow and grow, and he kept working a soul-crushing job and just complaining about it. So, our souls changed in opposite directions, and we weren't soul-mates anymore.
We're trying hard to still be good friends.

So, you know what that means...
I'm dating again for the first time since I was 18!
It's crazy and mostly ridiculous and more fun than I expected. It's really teaching me a lot about myself!
It's also taught me that most guys really don't care about a few extra pounds, not the fun ones anyway. Particularly if you carry them in the fun places!! They're really looking for confidence and independence and sense of humor and all the same stuff we are.
So, single ladies, lighten up a little, m'kay?!

Also, if you know of any single, large, attractive, preferably bearded, viking-esque men with a quick wit, full-time job, and appreciation for good whiskey and bad puns in the Monterey Bay area who like rainbow-haired girls that like unicorns and rollerskates way too much for a woman of nearly 30, help a girl out!!!

Food is no longer a struggle!!
If you get nothing else from me, any of my blogs, or this post, know this:

I've been maintaining the same window of 10lb for nearly two years now, and it feels great.
Would I like to be thinner? Sure! Not many of us wouldn't.
Could I lose the last 25lb to get to my original goal of 100lb lost? Probably anytime I want!!
BUT, I don't really care. I like pizza and beer and naps and ice cream and 25 extra pounds don't feel like that big of a deal 90% of the time.
I mean, 10% of the time I'm pretty convinced I'm just as big as I was when I started, that I'm giant and fat and gross, that nothing looks good on me and never will.... Hey man, that's progress. I'm down to 10%!! And I'm confident that that percentage will continue to get smaller.
I hope it never gets to zero... I'm pretty sure that makes me a sociopath... or at least a narcissist.

So what's the secret?
What's the take-away?
What can those who have been struggling so hard who come across this and look for inspiration or guidance or ideas or at least commiseration find here that makes it worth reading?

I wish I could answer that.
The secret for me was common sense. You know what you should and should not be putting in your body and in what quantities. You know which choices make you happy, make you feel good about yourself as a person, and which don't. You know you need to exercise, and probably even have a pretty good idea of what kinds and how much of it make you feel good, without feeling like you're over or under-doing it. You know you need to sleep. You know that food doesn't really solve anything but actual hunger and lack of nutrients.
I made a decision that I was done with disliking myself, so I tried to make each decision with that in mind.
I still do!
I'm just not focused on food anymore.

I bought a Snickers bar (my favorite easy to find candy) from some kids raising money for their soccer team and I forgot that sucker in my purse for 3 weeks.
I THREW AWAY left over pizza (my kryptonite) from my favorite establishment because IT SAT IN MY FRIDGE TOO LONG.
A pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream lasted me a whole week, and 4 sittings.
I went to derby practice 3 nights this week, and swam on 3 lunch breaks, and don't feel like I exercised once.
AND NONE OF THIS WAS A STRUGGLE, even a little bit.

I still don't drink enough water.
I still drink too much diet soda and beer.
I still eat too many carbs and sugar and cheese.
I rarely sleep enough.
I let my swims turn into power napping in the sun on nice days.

I also got wolf-whistled TWICE today on my lunch; and I'm really not that thin.
I got told that I am "ripped" by a strange man last week, as a compliment, and loved it.

Most importantly: I'm so happy.
I'm so comfortable with who I am, and even the things about myself that I'm still working toward changing. My weight, what I eat, and how much I exercise are really not a focus anymore.

There's hope.
Lives and lifestyles change!!

And, because I know everyone loves a before and after:

Oh, and I have rainbow hair and my dream job!!
Life is good.
No news is good news.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
NDKARIKARI 12/17/2014 6:14AM

    This is an emoticon and inspiring post! Struggling through some injuries now, and feeling sorry for myself. Thank you for showing us that we can come back, even from those!

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GODDESSELLIE07 8/27/2014 5:51PM

    I'm finally coming back to spark after a long time away (gotta finally get rid of the baby weight)... and I am SO, SO, SO happy to see this blog. I hope you are still just as happy in life!

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GOALSR10 1/21/2014 11:15PM

  Thank you for sharing your story so eloquently. I have just begun my journey, but I'm ready and inspired by people like you. My goal is to lose 85 lbs. So far I've lost 3, but I'm on my way. :)

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CARLYG8 12/3/2013 7:11PM

    I had just asked someone about you the other day from the Starfish team. I am so happy to hear that you are well and happy! It is a blessing to have them both. Keep on keepin' on! ~hugs~ Carly

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NASFKAB 11/23/2013 10:59AM


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GRAMPIAN 11/20/2013 6:15AM

  Well done. emoticon

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CHRIAMARIA1983 11/3/2013 10:00PM

    One of the most encouraging blogs that I have read in awhile!

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KULTJAM 10/28/2013 1:35PM

  Great post. Great story. Reminds me of that movie ~ you know the one ;)

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BECKY3126 10/17/2013 4:40PM

    This made me so happy :)
I had seriously missed reading your blogs, but to hear that it is because you are just so busy out there living and that you have reached such a great place in your life....well, that is all we can hope that comes out of this experience on SP. Congrats to you and I wish you all the best and hope that dating remains fun (wink, wink) and that you have fun smashing all your friends!

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MISSLISA1973 10/14/2013 8:39PM

    Thanks for sharing your awesome story!

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NANHBH 10/13/2013 8:27AM

    This blog just makes me smile. You are ROCKIN' it, Sister! Let your soul soar.
emoticon emoticon

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EFFRAYECHILDE 10/10/2013 5:53PM


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WHITEANGEL4 10/8/2013 11:42PM

    Sounds like you are doing something right. You have a satisfying life and are happy with yourself. That is a big plus for most people

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GEORGE815 10/5/2013 10:49AM

    Way to get to maintain. Congrats!

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OFFICECHIK 10/4/2013 9:34AM


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_JULEE_ 10/3/2013 11:55PM


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GOOSIEMOON 10/2/2013 2:48PM

    I missed your posts (and delightful pictures), but am so glad to see that you are happy and healthy and thriving!


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SHARBEAR100 10/1/2013 7:53PM

    So wonderful you're happy and doing well!! We were lucky to have you here for the time we had. Your blogs are always enjoyable and I'll miss you.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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-CORAL- 10/1/2013 7:48PM

    Oh my gosh, reading this made me SO happy for you. So many times, people leave SP and come back a year later talking about how they gained back all the weight or half of it, how they felt embarrased to admit they failed, etc. I am so excited that you made it onto the derby team and have a fun, happy life. And what you said about pizza and beer and an extra 25 lbs... hey that's me too. I feel like I have to apologize or justify it all the time, but my husband loves my big girly parts and we have so much fun together, and isn't that what life is all about? Congratulations a million times for turning your life around. This really seriously brought tears to my eyes.

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JRRING 10/1/2013 5:22PM


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IMAGINE46 10/1/2013 12:34PM


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LKS2GAB2 9/30/2013 10:05PM

    Good for you for finding your way. Keep it up, have fun and kick ass!

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DENNETJ 9/30/2013 9:45PM

    I didn' t realize you lived in the Monterey area. I used to live there. Awesome place! I'm glad to hear you are doing well. I hear you on the soul growing away from someone. I finally had the piece of mind to step up and say goodbye to my spouse of 14 years. It wasn't working for me anymore. You know what I'm the happiest and healthiest I've been in a long time. I'm still a big girl with a long way to go but now I have people who want to be with me. Dating is a whole new world that is for sure. Best of luck to you!

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JRRING 9/30/2013 2:00PM


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IGSBETH 9/30/2013 11:13AM

    Good for you! So happy for you!

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LMULLINS4LIFE 9/30/2013 10:14AM

    This is one of the best things I've ever read on Spark! LOVE this blog! What team to you play for? My sister is Asian Sinsation from Naptown Roller Girls and I have done a lot of writing and bout recaps for Bleeding Heartland Roller Girls in Bloomington, IN. We, no doubt, would know some of the same people!

So proud of you. What a great post to illustrate "Roller derby saved my soul". :)

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    Great post

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ALIDOSHA 9/29/2013 5:59PM


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FUNZ81 9/29/2013 2:01PM

    Awesome blog! You have given me courage to continue the weight-loss trek I am on. Thank you

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VALKYRIA- 9/29/2013 12:42PM

    I don't think you owe an explanation about the ex.... people can not work out for lots of reasons. No one should judge you for your decision to be a happier person! Congratulations~

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ILOVEMALI 9/29/2013 12:24PM

    This makes me so happy. Your voice is so fierce! Happy ever after to you, Pal! I now know that I can do it, too!!!

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_CYNDY55_ 9/29/2013 12:46AM

    MARVELOUS emoticon Blog!!
emoticon THE emoticon Wishes emoticon And Did emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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GRATEFUL_BEING 9/29/2013 12:28AM

  Yay! Well done! Congrats on all your hard work.

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TEDYBEAR2838 9/28/2013 10:20PM

    Great story! YOU LOOK emoticon

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LIVINHEALTHY9 9/28/2013 10:00PM

    From reading your blog, it sounds like you are in a happy and healthy place and enjoying life.

Good for you!

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AJB121299 9/28/2013 8:46PM


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JERICHO1991 9/28/2013 8:26PM


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NAN111 9/28/2013 8:12PM


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RENATA144 9/28/2013 7:47PM

  What an emoticon transformation !!! You are an Inspiration !!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BIKERBABE76 9/28/2013 7:05PM

    Awesome! You look great! It's really encouraging to read your blog. I have lost my first ten pounds and your story makes me nt to keep going... emoticon

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MSROZZIE 9/28/2013 6:46PM

    What a wonderful, uplifting blog! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JACKIE542 9/28/2013 5:56PM


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FIRECOM 9/28/2013 5:20PM

    Your writing skills are superior and very enjoyable.

Thanks for a great blog.

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RICKISMOM1 9/28/2013 3:40PM

    To "effect 25" : You write:
" I just wanted to know that a binge eater can become a normal (!) eater and a "naturally" thin person. "
I'll have you know that a LOT of thin people monitor themselves. Some women can maintain without continuing to track what they eat--- but many still have to continue to a certain extent. Also, taking care of the underlying psychology that caused binge eating is pretty essential.

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MOMMY445 9/28/2013 3:10PM

    the roller derby sounds like so much fun! love the hair!

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KKLENNERT809 9/28/2013 12:46PM

    Wow, I really enjoyed reading your blog! You are awesome and a great example for us all.

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TORNADOTAMER 9/28/2013 12:05PM

    The tear of happiness I shed for you will water my my newly planted seed of health! Thanks for sharing

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JOANNHUNT 9/28/2013 11:46AM


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Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.