Thursday, September 26, 2013
oh my... I don't like this picture of me, same glasses as last year but feels so much worse this year. I see ugly hair, gross teeth and ugly crooked glasses. This is also the age that I lost my sweet Grandmother from cancer and a few months later my best friend Jody who was only 15 years old too. .Lets see what happens with tapping…
I immediately went to my looks, my teeth, glasses and all… tapping even tho I am 15 years old, I still totally accept and forgive myself…. I am so ugly, I am so ashamed… why did I even smile in that stupid picture… tapping… even tho I don’t even believe that I accept and love myself.. I can let it go.. I am so ugly…why do I have to be so ugly?? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO UGLY??? crying… WHY??? I feel so totally alone.. tapping…. I feel so ugly… so alone….I still totally accept and love myself… even tho there is no use, no hope… I still totally love and accept myself. crying… THERE IS NO USE!!!... crying…Why should I even live? The only people I really loved, that really loved me are gone…. crying… it is not fair.. why can’t I go with you.. WHY CAN’T I GO WITH YOU??? because you are good ones and I am bad and have to stay here.. crying… I miss you Grandmother sooo much.. Grandmother….. Jody I miss you so much…. crying… I miss you guys soo much… I want to be with you… crying… …tapping… can let it go.. it is safe to let it go…. I want you back.. or take me with you… I can’t do this by myself…. I need you to come back…. I NEED YOU TO COME BACK.. BOTH OF YOU!!! I can’t do this… I don’t want to be here.. I miss you so much… Why did you leave me?? Jody, I got nobody now…. crying…. I am all alone….. I want to be with you.. where you are… I don’t want to be here. I have nothing left… NOTHING…. tapping… crying… Oh God, there is nothing left…. WHY?? why am I here?? why am I alone??? I miss you both so much..
Tapping on all the feelings of loss, the guilt, shame.. all the times of feeling so alone.. all the times I just wanted to die… let it go.. it is safe to let it go…
While working on this 15 year old part of me.. I saw her broken heart and the angels brought it all together.. I saw the light fill her up.. then like the suit once again., unzipping in half and falling away.. Then I saw Tinkerbelle open up, gently fluttering her wings.. The cocoon just falling off to the ground and a beautiful butterfly like Tinkerbelle fluttering her wings as if it was her first time.. the freeing, loving., beautiful feelings. then bringing her into my heart.
Now looking back at my picture once again, I see a totally different person. Beautiful, sad but loved young lady. One slowly (but painfully) blossoming to that beautiful butterfly.