Thursday, September 26, 2013
I spent some time reading journals from the time I was in high school through the middle of my marriage. I noticed a few things, primarily negative thinking that seemed to grow increasingly worse over the course of the past few years. I repeated several phrases in each entry over the span of those years. I'm trying to break the cycle and end a bad behavior pattern. I'm terrible for false starts or for giving up before I really see results. I also shouldn't tell myself not to do something because then I feel compelled to do it. I make all these lofty plans or goals and then I don't start them or I abandon them. I repeatedly call myself names, say bad things about myself, and generally abuse myself over my weight, my social awkardness, and my fear of being alone. I know I have an anxiety disorder, I was diagnosed 11 years ago. I haven't been treated for it in about 8 years. I think I've also been dealing with some depression on and off over the years but felt too guilty to tell anyone. I feel like I was in some sort of stasis while I was married and now that I don't have another persons issues to deal with, mine are here in front of me. They've been waiting for my attention.
I'm fairly certain that had I dealt with my issues, I wouldn't have continued my relationship with my ex-husband. Things are starting to become clear to me and with the help of my friends I'm going to start identifying things to work on. I'm considering seeing a therapist as well. I don't think it would hurt.
So I'm beginning a new chapter in my life, and hopfully a healthy fulling one.