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Learning from the past

Thursday, September 26, 2013

I spent some time reading journals from the time I was in high school through the middle of my marriage. I noticed a few things, primarily negative thinking that seemed to grow increasingly worse over the course of the past few years. I repeated several phrases in each entry over the span of those years. I'm trying to break the cycle and end a bad behavior pattern. I'm terrible for false starts or for giving up before I really see results. I also shouldn't tell myself not to do something because then I feel compelled to do it. I make all these lofty plans or goals and then I don't start them or I abandon them. I repeatedly call myself names, say bad things about myself, and generally abuse myself over my weight, my social awkardness, and my fear of being alone. I know I have an anxiety disorder, I was diagnosed 11 years ago. I haven't been treated for it in about 8 years. I think I've also been dealing with some depression on and off over the years but felt too guilty to tell anyone. I feel like I was in some sort of stasis while I was married and now that I don't have another persons issues to deal with, mine are here in front of me. They've been waiting for my attention.

I'm fairly certain that had I dealt with my issues, I wouldn't have continued my relationship with my ex-husband. Things are starting to become clear to me and with the help of my friends I'm going to start identifying things to work on. I'm considering seeing a therapist as well. I don't think it would hurt.

So I'm beginning a new chapter in my life, and hopfully a healthy fulling one.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sending you a virtual hug ! Ah, been there and at times still doing that. Just the other day I looked myself in the mirroir and said YUCK! We need to work on that one:) We are at times our own worst enemy. Seeing someone is to talk about issues is always a good thing ! emoticon emoticon
    1036 days ago

    I'm glad you're pulling the positive out of this experience, and using it to learn and grow. That's the important thing, I think. I wish you all the best of luck in this journey. From the sounds of it, you're going to do great!
    1036 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/26/2013 11:39:11 AM
    So glad to see you posting. :)

    As for false starts, giving up, and the negative self talk (name calling), I'm right there with you Amber. What I have done to try to STOP the negative talk is put up 3X5 cards with positive saying on them. Read them out loud daily, and MAKE yourself believe what you're saying.
    Also, give yourself credit for each good choice you make, even if you follow it with a not good choice. This journey is about making more good choices than bad, not perfection. We can help each other on this journey Amber. We CAN do it!!!
    1036 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1036 days ago
  • v MOIRA2
    emoticon You are going in the right direction. emoticon
    1036 days ago
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