Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I can always tell when I am not getting quality sleep, my dreams are super vivid and silly. Last night I dreamed that I had a animal bone placed into my leg muscle and I was trying to find my old supervisor to help cut the bone out. When I found her, she was at a company gathering but she couldn't see me. I was standing right in front of her waving my arms and hands and she ignored me. However, the teachers and staff could see me and interact with me but none of the upper management people I worked with noticed.
I hobbled around looking for someone to notice me and finally someone did and they sat me down and listened to my cry about this huge animal bone protruding out of my calf. She took out a razor blade (which freaked me out) and sliced open my leg but the bone still wouldn't come out. She tried pulling and tugging and the bone wouldn't move. I got up and leaned against the wall crying because no one but the staff could see me. I actually stopped crying and just said "I am leaving this place, no one really cared about me here anyway". So as I am walking out, the staff try to stop me but I push through fall down and take a big breath and rip the bone out of my calf muscle and throw it at my old boss.
I have no idea what this dream means and what it relates to my goals and fitness but I needed to blog about it. My last job enabled me to be dependent on food and alcohol for comfort and that is why I blew up. I wasn't allowed to have social relationships with teachers or staff, or go out to dinner with them. I had no one to talk to when I had a rough day and if I needed help, I wasn't allowed to ask. I kept everything in and bottled it up.
It's why I chose to move out of the state of Ohio (nothing against that state) and start over. I sold all of my furniture, packed what I could in my jeep and put some things in storage. I didn't even have a bed to sleep on my first few days here and I only had $200 in my pocket but I was going to make it work. I had a new job waiting for me and a place to live but I gave up all my material possessions in order to just be happy.
I am still scared about my journey and especially when the doctor told me I weighed 251 lbs, that was the most I have ever weighed in my life. How did I let it get this bad? How did I not catch this? prior to moving here, I was working out, eating not the best things but I was drinking a lot. I just didn't want to feel. My feet and ankles were constantly swollen, my hair was dull and my face was dry. None of my dress pants fit for work and then I threw myself down and said "I'm done I cannot live like this anymore." I was tired of hating myself and punishing my body for my bad choices and behaviors. I was tired of always putting myself last in any situation and not telling anyone how their actions made me feel. I was tired of reaching out to the wrong people and foods for comfort. I was just tired.
I know I have a long way to go, I am not going to change overnight but I have taken steps necessary to take care of myself and get back to the person that I know I am. She feels trapped inside and scared.