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Late Nite Funnies

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

For the first time in 90 years, Time magazine has appointed a female editor. But while it's a big change for the publication, she promises it will still be the same magazine you briefly glance at before you buy an Us Weekly. -Jimmy Fallon

A show on plants on the Discovery Channel said that plants have a way of signaling danger to each other. When there's danger, the plant releases a gas that other plants can sense. Well, here is my question. What good is a plant warning another plant about danger? What's the other plant supposed to do, run? -Jay Leno

In a new interview, Elton John said that he will not cancel a performance in Russia later this year, despite the country's anti-gay laws. Vladimir Putin was pretty shocked when he heard. He was like, "Hold on. Elton John is gay?" -Jimmy Fallon

Kevin Trudeau, the king of infomercials, has been sent to jail for fraud. The judge sentenced him to 10 years. But then he said, 'Wait, there's more,' and added another five years. -Conan O'Brien

It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home. -Jay Leno

Two guys in New Hampshire were arrested after they tried to rob a group of people playing Bingo. Cops became suspicious when they saw a car driving away from the Bingo hall going more than 10 miles an hour. -Jimmy Fallon

Officials in Washington, D.C. have proposed a 24-hour waiting period before people can get tattoos. Or as people who want tattoos put it, 'You mean we gotta stay drunk for 24 hours?' -Jimmy Fallon

A few years ago, they made the movie 'Freddy vs. Jason.' They do that all the time. They take two franchises that are totally out of gas and put them against each other. Godzilla was in tons of those movies, like 'Godzilla vs. King Kong.' The most uneven was 'Godzilla vs. Mothra.' How's that a fair fight? Godzilla is a giant fire-breathing lizard. Mothra is a big moth. What does Mothra do? Eat holes in all of Godzilla's sweaters? -Craig Ferguson

The Miss America Pageant is coming back on Sunday night from Atlantic City. They're modernizing the pageant. They're changing the name of it to 'America's Got Implants.' -Dave Letterman
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