Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I just need to vent a little bit.
It didn't take long after we got back to Illinois to get back into old habits.
I was in bed by midnight last night but don't know what time I actually went to sleep. I am pretty sure it was after 1 this morning. I have the alarm on my phone set for 10 am, I got up, turned it off, and then went back to bed for another hour because, hey, I still don't have a job, haven't heard anything about a job and feel like I have applied for everything on the planet.
I have been eating better and dropped 4 pounds, so there is that. That's a good thing. I noticed my new habit of guessing on the scale before it shows my weight and I usually guess high. I think I am just looking for a quick feel-good. While I am guessing high, I am still working on re-losing those several pounds that I put on in OK/TX. I STILL haven't seen less than 270. I am just juggling the same 5-10 pounds and its really starting to tick me off.
I am just having trouble getting motivated to get off my butt and get outside (other than a couple of short walks). I LOVE Autumn. I love the weather and even though I don't get dressed up for it, Halloween excites me to no end.
I know part of it is anxiety and depression. I have been having some horrendous panic attacks for the last week or so and don't know why. I have been taking my anti anxiety med every day...which is pretty unusual for me and I think that since its a downer, that might be part of the not getting off my butt.
I have been trying to do a little more in the house during the day meaning more trips up and down the stairs and I have been trying to spend more time upstairs and in the sunshine (no window in my room downstairs), hoping that it will help my mood. An extra worry is running out of anxiety meds. No refills, no doctor, and no insurance until January. I will have to cross that bridge when I get there I guess.
I am also sad because I'm lonely. I do talk to a few people online, here and on facebook, phone, etc., but without a car, there's no way to go visiting my kids, family, or old friends.
It's maddening that now I have moved back close to where I grew up and because my car died, I STILL cannot see anyone. My plan is still to acquire a car before Halloween. If I don't buy ANYTHING, I *should* have enough from my unemployment to have a down payment by then.
My beau isn't feeling well today, he hasn't been since we got back from OK and TX. Understandable. I know that I wasn't exactly sociable after my dad passed away either, but on top of his being sad and upset, he is also having more digestive problems. He has ulcers and our diet while out of state was horrible. I think that he only ate when he did was because he is hypoglycemic and it was medically necessary.
Its hard for me to discern how much of his physical discomfort is exacerbated by mental discomfort. I know that being upset / depressed makes physical ailments seem worse than they are. I want to push him to get up and moving with me but don't know if I should or how much I should.
I joined the Illinois group on here in hopes of finding someone close by to team up with and to my surprise, the group has almost a quarter of a million members and is almost inactive. I guess I will just have to find my own motivation.
Take care and love yourself.