Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Yesterday was what we have learned to call a 'teachable moment'. I made a bad food choice late in the day. But the weird thing was I didn't feel like I'd just fallen off a cliff. I had an odd sense that 'this is for now' and that it would come to a quick end. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing, but judgment is something I have discovered is unnecessary, anyway. AWARENESS...not judgment...is my new tool. And in awareness, I KNEW that what was happening with food in that moment was DIFFERENT. I was KEENLY aware that I made a choice to have something I wanted. I was equally aware that this was not a binge or the end of abstinence or 'proof' that nothing has changed. It was just a moment in time. It had no pull or power over ANY OTHER moment in time...much less over any other day or week or month.
I can remember when one bad choice meant WEEKS of more poor choices. I didn't have that yesterday. I am right back to taking care of myself with my food choices today. What a GIFT!! What a relief!!
The last few days have been such an incredible emotional high as a result of Friday's news about our home. The ups and downs...the questions and doubts about could this really be happening?!?! Those emotions made me want to eat. So last night, I did...for a very short period of time. I assuaged my emotion with food. And then I stopped. It was almost like popping a valium or a xanax, I guess, for people who use that type of drug...lolol. It calmed me down when I didn't know how to calm myself down. But it didn't take over. It didn't wreck the whole night. It didn't spill over into today. That is AMAZING to me. It was what it was...and then it was over. I didn't beat myself up. I don't feel guilty. And I see no reason to stop moving in a forward direction with recovery, over a single decision about an egg roll.
This must be what it's like for 'normal' eaters...lolol. I'm just glad to know I don't have to destroy myself anymore over a slip! I love SPARK. I love recovering here. I love the life I live now.