Day 9 - A bit down today
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I think I may have the beginnings of a cold but it's hard to tell. With the season changes it might just be allergies. Time will tell. I didn't sleep very well last night, lots of worry and fear for my loved one and that probably doesn't help.
I'm a terrible second guesser when it comes to myself and my own choices. I think, "no I know I'm doing/saying the right thing" but then I second guess myself when the reaction isn't what I expected. I am a fixer by nature, I always have been. Sometimes I rub people the wrong way and I get that. It's hard for me to recognize that people don't really want me to help them figure out how to fix it but just to be there to commiserate with them. Depression confuses me a great deal. I mean I can sympathize and I can comfort because I do know what it's like. I've never (knock wood) had to take medication for it or been leveled by something so badly that I can't physically or emotionally function for days on end.
That being said I have a very difficult time reinforcing negative behavior or thought processes. I've been hurt before and it sucks I know that but I don't stop doing what I need to do and hide my head under the covers. My entire adult life when things have gone badly for whatever reason I have carried on with my day to day responsibilities and compartmentalized the grieving until I had the time. Many a night I can remember crying quietly in my bedroom so as not to wake my daughter after my husband left. We do what we have to do. I resent the inference that my pain wasn't as deep or as real as someone else's just because I had the ability or whatever you want to call it to still function.
I'm not saying that the way I handle stress and grief is the right way. I can't tell another person how to feel or react to something. I do know this, if I hadn't gotten myself out of bed and fixed breakfast and gotten my child off to school and gone to work myself we would have been starving and homeless. We do what we have to do to survive. If every time something bad had happened to me I ordered food in and spent my day sleeping and crying what would that accomplish? I cry, I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel abandoned, I feel alone but then I wipe my eyes, take a shower and get on with my life because no one is going to do it for me. I don't think I'm all that different from most people in the world. Grief is a real thing, that was never more clear to me than when I lost my father six months ago, but life goes on and so must we.
Anyway, just a few not so cheerful thoughts on this beautiful, cool and crisp Tuesday morning in the Midwest. Time for a breakfast meeting, hope there is something healthy or at least more than donuts.