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Please don't read this, I'm just complaining a lot but need to write it down.

Monday, September 23, 2013

***I'm not proud of this blog post. Actually I'm really annoyed by it because its basically me complaining about why I suck. They're not good excuses, but they're mine. I'm not looking for anything from anyone by writing it, just need to get it out and get it down so I can move on. I hope.***

Hi Spark. Well, here it is, the end of September. I think about you all the time, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to visit. I suppose it is safe to say I've fallen off the proverbial wagon. God I hate that saying. By saying I fell one would assume I got hurt, but it was rather easy and comfortable. I'd rather it did hurt, so I could know it happened and I'd be prompted to fix the pain!

I've been tired. I've been not exercising. I've been not really caring what I eat. I love eating, rather I love cooking and discovering new things to create. It feels artistic and fulfilling. I just hate the eating it part. I know I shouldn't eat all the bad crap I do, but I get so frustrated with the mathematical problem that is a balanced weight loss eating regimen I just sigh and push it to the back of my mind. I want a pill I take that satiates any hunger and cravings I have so I don't need to worry about eating. I've been canning a lot. Its apple season here in NY and the beginning of baking season! Half of me is excited, the other half disgusted. Apples by themselves are delicious of course, but they are so versatile, the fun part is turning them in to something else! So far the only thing I've made with the 3 pecks I've picked has been jam. I'm dying to bake a pie but I think I hate myself enough right now as it is without eating pie. Man, I love pie.

My four-year-old just started pre-k, so I have to be somewhat coherent in the morning to get her on the bus. I don't do mornings. Plus, my almost 2-year-old is a morning person and gets up at 5:30 every morning, and she usually wakes up at least once in the very early morning around 3 and needs to be covered back up. And I work at night from home so I'm usually up until midnight. I don't sleep much. I am so tired. I've already had two large cups of coffee this morning and I can barely keep my eyes open. I would give anything for my daughter to take an early nap so I could do the same. Right now is probably not the best time to write a blog because I am super whiny. Whatever, deal with it. You have my permission to stop reading.

One more gripe about myself then I'll be done, I promise.

I think about exercising all the time; I am right now. I recognize right now to be a perfect time to do so, but I'm not. I'm exhausted (see previous paragraph) plus with a two-year-old at home with me every time I try she thinks its play time and gets under foot or needs something. Boy that sounds really lame when I write it down. When I do have energy in the morning and the older kid is gone on the bus, sometimes I bring the Wee One to the local walking path at the high school, but its frappin cold out, 45 degrees and right now I'd rather be stung by bees than hang out outside. I need some alone time to concentrate on myself, but I rarely get any. I stay home with my kids during the day, then as soon as they're in bed at night I start work. I am totally jealous of my husband. He gets home from work around 5, we eat dinner, then he usually goes out and gets to the gym or bikes while I sit home with the girls. I'd never take that time away from him. He is doing great and has lost 8 pounds over the summer. I'm extremely proud of him, just wish I had the same opportunity and motivation. He wants to change so he makes time for it. I don't feel like I have that luxury. By the time my husband gets home from that its bath time and bed time for the girls and then work time for me. Do you know when I picture that kind of time for myself? In a year from now when my youngest is in nursery school and I have two hours to myself. A year. My only "free" time would be right now, I'd just have to deal with the Wee One. And being tired. And grumpy apparently. Ugh, I'm so annoying.

I've been feeling that Spark isn't structured enough for me. Certain diets that exclude particular types of food seem appealing these days because they have rules and there is no gray area. Spark People is all gray area. You have to be informed and intelligent and constantly tuned in to yourself. You have to juggle. I want the diet that is set in stone, where someone decides for me. I know Spark People has the meal options where they spell out what you should eat that day, but most everything is something I don't currently have or something the rest of my family won't eat. See? More whining. Really Kerry. STFU. Anyhow, I have thought about doing a slimfast type diet with protein shakes for breakfast and lunch then a regular dinner. I have thought about finding the money somewhere to join Weight Watchers. But those are all just products. Why would I spend money when it probably isn't going to work anyhow?

I know that was two gripes. Sue me.

So, its going to suck and be uncomfortable but damnit Kerry, get off your fat, lazy ass and get moving. You're succumbing to your genetics. You look like your dad did at your age and you see how huge he is now! Where is the super hero you know you are? I promise you, you will be happy in the long run, so WTF is stopping you?

That concludes Kerry's bitchfest. Sorry you sat through that all, but thanks. I just needed an ear, err...keyboard. I believe in myself. I really do. I just need to stop believing in tomorrow and start believing in today.
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MPETERSON2311 9/25/2013 1:29PM

    sounds perfectly justifiable to me. I find that ranting blogs make me feel better, we deserve a nice blog where we can just let loose, its better than snapping at people around us

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STRONGCOURAGE 9/23/2013 2:53PM

    Hey there, its ok to have a rant once in awhile....we ALL need to have ourselves a good vent! Its better to just get it out, then let it drive you crazy inside! Don't give up on yourself or your goals---I hear that your situation does sound really challenging...and you so desperately want something good and positive for YOU and the opportunities to do so!!!

That you believe in yourself is awesome, keep holding to that, you will make this happen. Don't look at all the things you think you should be doing ideally---it'll just bog you down and discourage you, because as you've outlined in your blog, your life IS quite full already. So start with this: focus on (I know this is gonna sound oldschool) but just focus on ONE or two simple but GOOD changes for you. And be SUPER proud of them. I wish the very bestest for you, that things will start changing for the better and you'll have wisdom in what changes to focus on! YOU CAN DO IT....and YOU are worth it :) But you know this already :D emoticon

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ADZY86 9/23/2013 12:01PM

    Sometimes it's good to just let it all out. Get it down on paper (screen?!) so you can just and work it all out.
I hope you find a solution. It sounds like you really want it so go get it! Good luck

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SCULPTAHORSE 9/23/2013 9:32AM

    emoticon Hang in there! I'll bet you feel better having unloaded! I would.

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