Monday, September 23, 2013
Feels so incredibly empty right now. It doesn't help that I'm so far away from home, and I don't really have people I would consider close friends here. Maybe that's my fault, but I just haven't really found a person who really clicked with me up here. I mean, I have a couple of girl friends I do stuff with, but I wouldn't expect them to be "there" for me. One is from the area and her fiance is also close by so she's not often here on weekends. The other is sweet and fun to be with, but I wouldn't consider talking about stuff like this with her.
Yesterday I had trouble getting myself out of bed and trouble getting myself to church. I didn't want to go to church because my now ex and I went a few times together over the six months we dated, and I didn't want people to ask about it. Thankfully I didn't end up having to deal with that and I managed to sneak in and sneak out. And I still got myself out of bed. On the way to church I started crying, as now I really miss my family. I guess that's the thing that makes going through a break-up worse...going through it completely alone. No friends, family, or even a dog to cheer me up. But I'll hang in there...I always have. I really just want to go home this coming weekend, but I don't know if that's reasonable.
Otherwise I've been eating healthy. Managed to get myself to go for a bike ride for more than an hour, despite it being cold and me just wanting to stay in bed and not feel empty. I went to the mall for a little bit and got some nice bath scrub and bubble bath for me to use...thinking maybe that'll help relax me because I'm so stressed out...and lonely and empty with this break-up. I saw a jersey from the now ex's favorite at the store and I just kind of froze. I guess there's gonna be things that remind me of me on and off.
Otherwise, I'm scared to death this week is going to go as bad as the last two in my work life. I'm scared to the point it's physically making me sick. I feel like I'm alone in this world. He was pretty much my best friend here...not in a controlling way where I couldn't see girl friends or anything like that. But if I called him right now crying, even after breaking up with him, he would know how to cheer me up. I guess maybe I haven't done the best of finding friends up here.
It's also hard because I need so much to talk to someone about my mistakes at work, but I feel like other than putting it in here (or having had told him, who now I can't talk to) I can't talk to anyone. I don't want people to think of me differently, like I'm somehow irresponsible and think I'm a bad person.
I just really feel alone.