Feeling very ugly and depressed.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
I'm so lonely and bored and depressed and blah lately. I just feel so flattened. Last weekend, Daughter was away with friends and Husband and I were going to have a date. I woke up Saturday morning sick, so we weren't able to do anything. Daughter ended up going away again yesterday, to a day camp, so we were going to try the date again. Then he said he just wanted to stay home. Usually, that's fine, but I had so been looking forward to going out last week and was so disappointed when we couldn't. We've hardly had sex at all this year. We went from January to May with absolutely nothing. That's five months. Then, we did it a couple of times, but haven't done it since. We didn't even do it on our anniversary in July. I was feeling really frustrated about this last night, when he went to go take a shower. Then I took a shower and when I was in there I just started thinking about how it seemed like more of an obligation for both of us, instead of us genuinely wanting to. It's hard to explain. But I just wasn't in the mood. And it's not like I don't ever have the urge, because I do! I actually think about it a lot, probably because I'm not getting any, but seriously. It's not like I don't have the desire or anything. We've talked about this some and he says he doesn't have the desire and he isn't that thrilled with his body right now. I can understand that, I really can. He never, ever, ever, ever, ever says or does anything that makes me feel pretty, or attractive, or sexy. At all. Ever. Even when we go out on a date or go do something as a family, and I have on a dress and fix my makeup and my hair, etc, he doesn't even tell me I look nice. Doesn't make one single comment on my appearance. I've mentioned this to him a few times at this point, but nothing ever changes. I'm at the heaviest weight I've ever been, and I certainly don't FEEL that way, but I would still like to be told. I still want to hear it...I need to hear it. He certainly isn't as thin as he used to be either, but I still think he is very attractive and sexy and tell him this daily...and I mean it, too. He isn't mean to me or anything...but I just feel very resistible. And I don't understand why he doesn't make an effort...ANY kind of effort. I feel like I'm sinking into a depression again. I don't feel like I have any control of my eating. I just feel so...flat. So I'm just kind of spending the day alone in my room. I just don't want to see anyone or spread my blahness around. I did go to the gym this morning and he went with me. I'd like to go after work like I used to. I just wish I could/would keep my promise to myself to go.