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Searching through the Rubble for Remnants of My Self

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Well, it's my big weekend off. I only get one of those every other week. I didn't call a friend yet this weekend. I've been a little preoccupied by finding pants in my size. I don't have enough work clothes. I only have one pair of Khaki jeans and one pair of Khaki trousers to my wardrobe. Sounds pretty bad and it is. I know I neglect myself this way because of the way I grew up. There was always money for my dad's wardrobe but none for mine. The one or two pairs of jeans I had in high school would have to do as I washed them over and over again. My dad on the other hand drove a jaguar, and we had a huge built in swimming pool in the back yard. But when I'd ask for money for a pair of jeans he said "what's wrong with the ones you have". He didn't see the need. It was all about him. My dad once indulged in a suede suit with a big star on the back. Meanwhile I guess I wondered what the heck. I didn't grow up in the best of circumstances but my dad never left my mom despite the fact that he philandered and beat on her and us kids. And so now I try to work through that as I am sure it has something to do with the way I do or don't value myself and the way I react to stress in my life. During the week of the heart incident and after, I was ignoring calls from my dad. I just didn't feel strong enough physically to take one of his calls. It's always all about him and his girlfriend du jour. He never pays much attention to what I am going through or how things are for me. But the thing is that in some ways he still was a decent dad. He taught me to ride a bike. He told me I was beautiful even though I only had one or two pair of jeans to my wardrobe. He comforted me with a cut off rose from the yard when the kids at school ostracized me for not having decent clothes. Sooo... How hard can I make my heart now?

My dad is in really poor health and is aging fast. He has advanced heart disease and diabetes. He wants me to move to Florida to "give me a break "he says but I know full well I would be groomed to become his full time caregiver. That would literally kill me off. I would never be able to survive that emotionally. He gets meals on wheels and he gets a nurse out each day to help him clean his place and shower safely. He doesn't need me and I don't need to squelch my self care to serve him. I did break down and call him yesterday and he told me about a young Filipino woman he had met on line that wants to marry him. I knew once my cousins started him on the internet it would not take him too long to try to fulfill his needs that way. I don't know which one to feel more sorry for: This Filipino lady or my dad. I have a feeling she will disappear as soon as she gets citizenship but who knows. She might be messed up enough to stay. I just think, better her than me. I would come out now and then on a mercy mission to make sure he's not totally pissing her off to the point she wants to put a pillow over his face. You don't want to mess with Filipino's. They seem very tough. He might just get what he deserves if you know what I mean. I have no interest in moving to Florida. A bunch of old Republican Italian men. Save me from having too much fun.

He just has no idea that I have friends and a work life and a sense of belonging here. It figures. He thinks I should just throw it all away on a dime to go and help him out. What's my life worth anyhow? Clearly not much to him. Some things never change. Weird how I still love him and weird how at age 52 I am finally getting in touch with my anger at him so that I can better function and find my health. I should not feel guilty about it but I do. I very much do.
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