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sometimes I just want to be thin

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Today, I feel so very ugly. I know, I'm not fat. But I hate my fat thighs, and my big belly that's starting to drop to earth and looks like a big heap of fat in a plastic bag :(

This weeks problem is as follows. I've been working out at least 30 minutes every day this week. I felt awesome. I thought I looked awesome. My belly looked smaller, my thighs looked more toned, my arms looked smaller. I knew I've been gaining weight, but I (stupid cow that I am) couldn't be bothered to track my food. because I felt awesome and like I was doing something right and I thought that it might also be some muscle weight (cause muscle is heavier than fat etc). Well, today it was that time of the month. I weight myself and I measured myself ... and I gained not only weight but also size.

Add some emotional stress to the whole thing and you get me having a small break down. I'm on birth control. Last month I had some problems with my stomach. So I took an additional pill out of the blister. I didn't get my period the last time i was supposed to. I think it's probably because I "overdosed". I'm on pause atm which means I'm supposed to get my period asap. But it's been two days and it hasn't happened yet. Which makes me panic and imagine things. Like a pregnancy belly etc. And then I feel bad about myself because there are people wanting to be pregnant so much and all I can think about how this would be such a worse time to get pregnant and then I'm stuck in pregnancy panic and guilt.
(well after writing this I think my period... started... there's at least some.. blood or something so yeah)

I wish I could stop feeling like this and just love my body and stay healthy and forget about looking thin but all I want is this belly gone and be happy. And I want to be healthy without having to track everything that I eat. Sometimes it's so annoying. I see people eat unhealthy food all the time and they look so good and I feel like every time I so much as look at chocolate I start to gain weight *sigh*

So my goal is still: Keep tracking food and stay below the calorie line
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