To say I've had a hurtful day is an understatement.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
I've just gotten slammed with a bunch of bad today.
Over a month ago I fired my LTD lawyer. She was spending far more time telling me there was nothing she could do than fighting my case. She had excuses for why it wasn't worthwhile to hold the Hartford accountable for their illegal actions (breaking their own contract and breaking the law), for why they can't/won't put more effort into my case, and why it wasn't worth me getting upset that they weren't pushing harder for my rights. Well, I went to another LTD lawyer who waited until after they looked at my paperwork (even though I told them about my conditions before that) to tell me they only take injury cases. A month ago I sent paperwork to another LTD Lawyer. They were supposed to call me on Monday, then Wednesday, then at 11 am this morning to tell me if they'd take my case. They finally called at 4:30 pm when I left a voice mail saying I was frustrated and just wanted to know if they'd take my case or not. Well, after wasting a month of the very short window I have to submit an appeal, they're not taking my case. They said they can't win it, even though they know I'm owed and that the Hartford should be held accountable for jerking me around. Apparently they talked about my case, but they didn't decide if they'd take my case until right before they were on the phone with me. They told me they could give me names for 4 other lawyers who might take my case, but their #1 referral is the one who already turned me down! So now I have to contact the rest and wait while each decide, but I only have until Dec (I think?) to have the appeal done. Then when they deny me again (to think they'll approve at this point would be stupid) it means going to court. I have no money for that, but it's the only way to get paid. OMG I can't even explain how much of a kick in the face all of this is.
I also got an email from my parents. They're in North Dakota and are driving through tomorrow night (well, technically tonight because it's 4 am) and want to visit with me. I want to scream NO until I black out, but how can I tell them I have no interest even talking to them, let alone being in the same room as them? I can't handle what they've put me through my whole life and I've been in a constant health crisis for over 3 years now and they only make everything worse. I just can't deal with them. I can't even deal with thinking about seeing them. I've accepted they will always be the crappy people and horrible parents they are and nothing I do will ever change that. I've accepted that I will never get the support, love, or care that I've been desperate for my ENTIRE life. I've accepted that they will never understand any of this. But how do I tell them I can't have them anywhere near me because their wants and problems are far less important than my needs and my health, especially when they are narcissists who are incapable of putting my needs first? How do I deal with the backlash when I tell them I can't/won't see them? What do I do when my mother freaks out, leading to a blowup fight with my father, who will then blame me and shame me for being such a horrible person?
Add to it TOM just started and my body is freaking out from it. Everything I eat is causing my whole abdomen to hurt. I'm getting sharp pains and cramping in places that shouldn't be. Plus the whole PMDD thing makes everything else worse. It's hard enough to deal with having PMDD symptoms 1 out of every 3 weeks (thanks EDS for shortening the time between periods), but having so much crash down on me right during the worst part of it when I'm barely holding it together is really bad!
Also the freaky weather changes happening over the last week has my joints totally pissed off. I'm having dislocations, subluxations, popping and cracking so loud it echos (the wrist I dislocated the other day finally popped back totally in place this afternoon and it was so loud it hurt my ears and scared my cat), and I've had a dislocation in my lower back putting pressure on the nerve going in my left leg for 2 or 3 days straight. I have no money to pay for a massage to release the muscle cramps that hold the dislocation in place, and this type of dislocation is one of the most difficult for me to correct. The longer it's out the less control I have over my left leg. More than once I've completely lost the use of it to where I have to drag my leg. I think I can try to call the orthopedist to see if they will do anything, but it's doubtful because they didn't want to hear what I had to say and they don't understand EDS.
My social worker was here on Thursday and she told me to start packing. My house will be foreclosed the day after Christmas - 3 months away - and I have to be out about a month after that. But since that will be the dead of winter, I should be out before then. She doesn't even have anywhere to put me! But how am I supposed to pack when most days I don't even have the energy or ability to make food to eat or shower more than 2-3 times per week? How can I be expected to do everything for myself when I can't even take care of my basic needs? Why does everyone expect so much from me no matter how much time I spend trying to explain to them the reality of my conditions and how bad my symptoms are?!?!
I hate the days that crash down on me like this. I just want to fall apart and give up. I hate EDS! I hate that it has stolen my life from me. I hate that I have to face these problems alone (I appreciate my sparkfriend's support, but I also need in-person support that I don't have). I hate feeling like there's nothing good left for me. I can't even break down and have a good cry because crying causes rib dislocations, increases my constant migraines until they're unbearable, tears feel like acid, my stomach balls up into a huge knot, and my cat can't handle the stress so he gets really sick and I can't do that to my little boy.
I know no one can fix or even help with any of this. I know my sparkfriends wish you could help. These are only a few of my challenges. I will have constant challenges for the rest of my life. It is what it is. It hurts and I hate it, but I have to grieve it and find a way through it.