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    ANNA--BANANA   7,345
7,000-8,499 SparkPoints

Photographic Evidence Doesn't Lie

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Don't ask me what I ate today. It wasn't pretty. And in spite of claiming in the previous blog entry that I was getting back up, apparently I lied, because I was face down in the crappy eating today.

And then the zinger of all zingers - a friend sent me a picture she took today of me helping my daughter skate at the roller rink.

An unposed picture I didn't know was being taken. A full body shot. Granted, it's blurry - but the thing that's clear as day?

I'm way fatter than I think I am. It's a stupid thing to say, considering I know what size I wear (probably 24) and I know how much I weigh (egads, around 270). It's not exactly like I'm a dainty little thing tiptoeing through the world without attracting notice.

I just... I just don't FEEL as big as I apparently am.

Not only was this shot a full-body shot, but it was a full-body shot FROM THE SIDE. Who ever takes those of themselves? So now I can see just how wide the thighs are, just how much the belly has grown, the wobbly grandma arms, everything.


I want to cry. I want to give up. What is the frigging point? I've been over 200 pounds since I was 18 years old (except that one year I decided not eating and throwing up was the way to go, and got down to 180). I've been 240 since I was 25. Who am I kidding? I will never be small. I can't maintain small.

Still, it's got to be better than this. I'm so tired of being tired and not having the energy I want.

I really need to get back to the original goal: eat well and move often.

That's it.

Thank goodness it's almost 10 and I'm still full (from my earlier binge, of course); otherwise I'd be face-down in something.

Sorry, SparkPeeps. I'm not feeling Sparky tonight.

But tomorrow is another day.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
WALLPER26 9/22/2013 6:18AM

    I hate pictures taken side view too - esp. full body! Today is a new day and I'm sure you will do much better with sleep. Focus on small goals - one day at a time. Remember too that the good thing about this is your your image of how you look inside your brain. Even if that picture in your head is not optimal, it probably will help you "see" where you want to be. Good luck today! I've been there.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KTACKEBE 9/22/2013 5:07AM

    I hate pictures! I threatened to punch my husband the next time he tagged an unauthorized pic of me to Facebook. Try not to focus too much on the I fell down, but more on the I got up again! It's a hard road but as long as you keep getting up you're never a failure!

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CHRISTASP 9/22/2013 3:48AM

    No no no no. Let's not say you lied. Let's say you were getting back on track until you fell down again.
I can imagine that if you've never had a normal weight and not been able to develop 'normal' (what's that, still) eating habits it must be very hard to even know where you are going, or what to make those efforts for.
If you can indeed give up on thinking about weight or about how you LOOK and focus on what you (can) DO it would be very good. One thing that helps me very (very) much is to work out a phrase like 'eat well and move often' and make that into - EASY - 'other goals' and streaks and just track daily how that goes.
You could start with something as simple as 'take a ten minute walk every day' or 'eat 3 portions of vegetables daily'. Make sure to state that you will do this six or less times per week and NOT 7 days per week! So you will still hold your streak if you miss one day.
Seeing that you ARE taking steps and achieving things, even if they are just small steps, is EMPOWERING. Thinking about how big you are and how much weight should be lost, isn't. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Comment edited on: 9/22/2013 3:52:40 AM

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