Saturday, September 21, 2013
Don't ask me what I ate today. It wasn't pretty. And in spite of claiming in the previous blog entry that I was getting back up, apparently I lied, because I was face down in the crappy eating today.
And then the zinger of all zingers - a friend sent me a picture she took today of me helping my daughter skate at the roller rink.
An unposed picture I didn't know was being taken. A full body shot. Granted, it's blurry - but the thing that's clear as day?
I'm way fatter than I think I am. It's a stupid thing to say, considering I know what size I wear (probably 24) and I know how much I weigh (egads, around 270). It's not exactly like I'm a dainty little thing tiptoeing through the world without attracting notice.
I just... I just don't FEEL as big as I apparently am.
Not only was this shot a full-body shot, but it was a full-body shot FROM THE SIDE. Who ever takes those of themselves? So now I can see just how wide the thighs are, just how much the belly has grown, the wobbly grandma arms, everything.
I want to cry. I want to give up. What is the frigging point? I've been over 200 pounds since I was 18 years old (except that one year I decided not eating and throwing up was the way to go, and got down to 180). I've been 240 since I was 25. Who am I kidding? I will never be small. I can't maintain small.
Still, it's got to be better than this. I'm so tired of being tired and not having the energy I want.
I really need to get back to the original goal: eat well and move often.
Thank goodness it's almost 10 and I'm still full (from my earlier binge, of course); otherwise I'd be face-down in something.
Sorry, SparkPeeps. I'm not feeling Sparky tonight.
But tomorrow is another day.