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Asking caregivers about the hard tasks

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Man, tonight was not an easy evening. I do what needs to be done and hubby continually thanks me, calls me 'a good kid,' and in general I am OK with it all. I just want th etasks done so his discussions at that time are not particularly wanted by me. I might seem cold to him. I don't know. It is the best I can do.

I always say back, I love you. But I don't talk much at that time. I honestly can't do two things at once, a complicated task and also make chit chat.

I wonder how other caregivers handle this? You don't need to praise me . I am OK and am not looking for a boost. I am looking for a practical way to handle the real, inner person I am caring for and get a tough job done at the same time.

Thanks all, chris
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALIHIKES 9/22/2013 4:01PM

    Gosh Chris I think that you are in a very hard situation. My mom needs total care, but she is in nursing home. I know that sometimes she just feels like the caregivers treat her like a slab of meat; other times she probably micro-manages the caregivers. If she feels ignored or treated badly she gets depressed.

But she REALLY looks forward to visits from family and friends, it reminds her she is loved and valued. You are in BOTH roles. You are the loving family connection. You are the caregiver providing difficult care. When my mom complained about how a caregiver handled putting her on the lift I watched a video about correct Hoyer lift techniques. Wow. 32 steps for the caregiver; and that patient in that video was an ACTOR, not someone like my mom who has open sores and cancer that they can't treat ...

Hugs and best wishes to you. It is a very difficult balancing both roles and very stressful for you, and likely for your husband as well. emoticon

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TIME2BLOOM4ME 9/22/2013 10:57AM

    emoticon

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MRSJERRYBUSH 9/22/2013 9:50AM

    My dh takes such good care of me and still provides love and emotional support. People tell me how fortunate I am and I know it to be true. It has been ten years now that he has been the caregiver.

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KALIGIRL 9/22/2013 8:34AM

    No advice, just emoticon

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WILDKAT781 9/22/2013 7:45AM

    Wish I had some advise for you , but I actually like the chatter. My Daddy is quiet most of them time and it is easy to start thinking of him as "just" a task to do, but when he talks to me, it reminds me he is a real person with real feelings and wants to try to stay "involved" in life.

emoticon

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DRAGON-CHICK 9/22/2013 5:01AM

    Maybe you could talk to him about it?


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ARTJAC 9/22/2013 1:15AM

    emoticon

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DJ4HEALTH 9/22/2013 12:49AM

    My late husband was the opposite of your husband he did not like anyone doing any thing for him but when he ended up in the wheelchair he had no choice in the matter. Friends came and built a ramp for him so that he could get into the house and also get out the back into the porch. He did not like that I had to take care of him and he was always telling me sorry but I kept telling him that he took care of me and not it is my turn to take care of him. I wish that I could still be taking care of him but he is now with Jesus and is walking and maybe even running. He is no longer in pain. The last few weeks he was in allot of pain from the tumors but he never complained about it. I could tell because when they moved him it was on his face.

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2HAMSDIET 9/22/2013 12:34AM

    The audi book idea that blueJean gave you is a wonderful idea as I had a friend that did that when taking care of her husband. They both started looking forward that time of day. My husband loves the audio Randy Wayne White , Doc Ford mysteries when we travel and even after driving 1800 miles he said he wanted to keep driving so he could get to the end of the story. My husband has never enjoyed reading but now he understands why people stay up all night to finish a book.

Another friend did the music but picked different kinds as she called it travel time. This was a while back when people had records and you could get them from the library. the tunes would range from irish gigs to steel drums.

Comment edited on: 9/22/2013 12:37:33 AM

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COCK-ROBIN 9/22/2013 12:18AM

    wonderful!

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MAYBER 9/21/2013 11:59PM

    Chris you are in my thoughts and prayers and you are doing the best you can
Am not sure what tasks you are trying to do know it can be very stressful
Wondering if you have a caregivers support group that you could go to you get a lot of ideas from others who are doing the same thing you are
Also some groups have where you can bring your DH and they go off and have an activity for them to do
When first began the memory loss it was very hard and I cried a lot and went to a group and it is a relief to find out am not alone DH went with me and when he went off to his group he soon came back and said they are not doing anything and I am going home now it is funny but at the time it was not
Wish had more support for you as know exactly what you are going through
Take one day at a time
Love Prayers Peace
Bernice
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SMILINGEYES2 9/21/2013 9:45PM

    Chris, Being a care partner can be stressful. Perhaps, taking time for you--soaking in the tub, hobby, special activity, going for a walk, having a cup of tea or coffee It is normal to experience some degree of frustration. Perhaps journal.

I would give anything to be able to help my husband again; he passed away this summer. I am the dialysis partner for our adult son. Caring for others we love is a calling.

It sounds like you are doing an excellent job. He is grateful. Do not be too hard on yourself.

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SANDRALEET 9/21/2013 9:39PM

    I found now that I am older I have to concentrate more on whot I am doing I also find it harder to do some things We are getting older I am afraid there might come a time when I can not do it anymore Might need help myself

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SUSIEPH1 9/21/2013 9:33PM

    I so understand what you are saying .. My Colin doesn't understand why I can't chit chat when I am doing the tasks that need to be done ..

It is not easy to care for a loved one .. We need to be so focused on the job that has to be done ..
When you are not emotionally involved, it is much easier ..
I have no answers for you .. Will be interesting to emoticon see what feed back you get ...
Hugs Susie

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BLUEJEANS27 9/21/2013 9:21PM

    Maybe you could both listen to some music at the same time? Or an audio book?

Julia

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