Saturday, September 21, 2013
I have been doing a lot of reflecting regarding the subject of fear and pain.
I have my half marathon approaching quickly, 2 weeks ago i did my 12 mile practice and had what i call a breakdown because i really felt as if i should have been able to do this without any pain and was feeling pretty down and defeated as my calves cramped out at mile 11 by 11 and 1/4 i was in tears and wondered how will i do this in two weeks.
In the past few days I am have come across fear and pain.
As I walked the trail my legs cramped up making me revert and bring me to close tears as if the pain I was feeling was something from the past.
I felt a struggle within; my first instinct was to give up; to stop fighting as it oh so happened so often, my will stripped and taken. My next is to fight giving up but at times I felt as though my inner voice is winning-feeling weak vs. strong.
A familiar voice of a good friend and mentor reminds to push on that day; I fear i will melt down again on race day. I do my best struggling but powering through as much as I am angry at myself for even thinking of giving up or giving in to my inner voice.
Later as I think more of it and talk to my great friend and mentor I get beyond the anger I realize I am in better shape and that I am in the now, no longer in a situation of hopelessness. As I sit and honor the pain and the fact I survived it; I realize that this is not the same pain but that this is me pushing my body to more to the things I was once afraid of doing or expecting of myself. I know I did this last year and my mentor was there and help push me push through it now i know I am strong and I have survived much more than I give myself credit for.
I know I need to dig deep and fight through and that is my goal for this Sunday. Strength, courage and perseverance - I know I must be. I must be the fighter I have always been when i get to mile 11 thru the finish line no matter how much I hurt I will move and do my best. I must show my courage and strength and prevail! When I started training I wanted a personal best now I just want to prove I can power through my pain mentally and physically!!!
I am scared but I will face the fear straight on and know that I will cross that finish line with something much more than a medal!