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Trying to numb the pain

Saturday, September 21, 2013

I don't know how to write what I'm about to write....

For those of you who have read my previous blog, you will know that my husband wants to separate, and that he is actively looking for another woman. He has not moved out yet.

Today, his family, my parents and I got together for a family meeting to discuss how we will handle things together in the future. We planned this yesterday. My husband didn't come home in a timely fashion yesterday evening so I couldn't tell him that I needed him to look after the kids tonight.

So this morning, I told him, I needed for him to pick up the kids from the place that my son's soccer team's pizza party was at at 8:30 as I told him I was meeting a friend from my choir this evening. He answered that tonight wasn't good for him, he too had made plans. (I'm leaving a bunch of stuff out here, because it would be too long otherwise). In the end, I determined that he was meeting up with another woman for the first time tonight, and he didn't want to move the date. And this, while still under the same roof -- Yes! First I asked him where he met this woman, and whether it was from an online dating service. He said yes. I asked him if she knows he's married. He said he "hasn't had a wife in a very long time". I asked him if she knows he's got kids. He said "all that will be put on table tonight".

I felt like telling him that if he goes out tonight with her, he shouldn't bother coming home either.

But I didn't. I looked at him disapprovingly.

Long story short, after he was out of the house for a couple of hours in the morning and returned home, I told him that I was grateful that he told me the truth about whom he's planning to go out with. And I also told him that if his reason were legitimate, that I might have considered moving my arrangement I'd made, but that isn't an option considering what his plan is. So I left him to take care of the kids the whole day, Not just to pick up from the pizza place. I left at 11 am and had lunch with my mom, then went shopping, then to dinner at their house, and then off to the family meeting (not meeting with choir friend as I had posed). He had from 11am -2:30 pm alone before the kids came home to figure things out for the evening arrangement.

At 5:38pm I get a text from him that reads "I'm still trying to plan things out. Do you have an approximate time that you would be returning home from your dinner?"

I replied: "Don't expect me home before 10pm"

Then a while later I get another text from him which reads: "OK. I'll take the kids to the pizza place and bak. Tuck them into bed but I plan to leave the house by 8:45pm. they'll be in bed when you get home. I've rescheduled my meetup for 9:00pm."

I was floored when I received this text. He and I are both fully arware that our kids are not happy and willing to stay alone at home after dark. My son is 12 and my daughter is 9. It took me a while to figure out how to respond.

This is what I said: "I'm surprised! Seriously????...amidst everything now, and the childrens feelings....I'm surprised by your choice. Will you be able to look yourself in the mirror after this? The children should come first, but it is your choice."

Well, I came home at 9:45 to two sleeping children in their beds, and no Papa at home.

And now I am sitting here contemplating the pain from 3 things:

1. He did leave the children alone at home despite my warning signal to him -- which makes me not be able to have full trust when it's his night to take the kids down the road for him to actually be there for them.

2. He is out wining and dining and who knows what else...another woman while I'm sitting here thinking about what he is doing with her and to her and she with and to him.

3. Am I paying for her indulgences? or are they going to split the bill?

emoticon I am sitting here hoping he's not getting set up by a woman who just wants to use him. I am sitting here hoping he can keep his wiener in his pants. I am sitting here knowing that he is going to not make any good choices because his brain isn't working straight right now. If it were, he would not have had a first date organized before he has somewhere to move out to !

The kids were indeed home alone and asleep in their beds when I got home at 9:45.

I need to make sure I can numb this pain enough to be asleep when he gets home. I frankly don't want to know what time he will be coming home at.

His family is supporting me 100%. They all think he's making a huge mistake and are asking if he has gone crazy, and that he's a dreamer about the grass being greener on the other side.

I've taken my sleeping pill and I have had a few glasses of whiskey by now. I haven't had a drink like that in a long time. But I don't under any circumstances want to know when he gets home.

I have hopes and so does he for a relationship where we can still be friends. I know in my heart that when I get over the pain that that will be possible. Howeverit's not that easy....see I'm slurring my speech already!

And I hope he doesn't let his penis make all the desisions for him tonight.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sending you good wishes for getting through this difficult time. Glenn
    1639 days ago
    So sorry you are in a very awkward place. Hope the kids are not suffering.
    1639 days ago
    I'm so sorry. He really does sound unhinged.

    It is especially brutal when the person hurting us so badly is the person we would normally turn to for comfort.

    Look, as others have said and I have earlier said...you CANNOT count on him to protect your interests or your children's. He showed you that last night. If you haven't already done so, meet with a lawyer and a financial planner who specialize in divorce situations. The law and justice are often different and your husband may be derailed enough from his values that he will act in ways you cannot imagine possible of the man you lived with and loved for so long.

    It is also perfectly okay to set a boundary that he doesn't get to go out on dates until he has moved out. Anyone who was not in a totally selfish place would see this. It is utterly unfair to you. But when someone is that self-involved, fairness flies out the window.

    YOu've probably spent decades looking after HIM. Now it is very important that you look after yourself. You did a good job of that yesterday. Keep it up. Protect yourself and protect your children because, for whatever reason, he is not capable/willing/able to do that anymore.

    Huge hugs.
    1642 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1642 days ago
    I agree with NellJones. You need to talk to a lawyer and see where you stand. I'm glad you have the support of his family as well as your own. If your husband is already starting to date, you need to move forward with the separation at the very least and make sure you and your children are protected.

    1642 days ago
    I went through this over 30 years ago. You can't leave your kids alone, it's not only unsafe but illegal. I had to consider myself a single Mom and act accordingly. How will you handle it when he is gone? Act like that now. I went to a lawyer for advice and did what I was told. It's a dismal prospect, I know. It's terrifying and depressing, but time does pass. He is acting as if he were your oldest child,not your husband, and you have to take the active role in what comes next. Maybe your Mom can help out. She will be more reliable than your husband. The law isn't what you think it is. I had a friend whose husband didn't show up to watch the kids, then legally charged her with neglect. Please contact a lawyer to find out where you stand.
    1642 days ago
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