Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013 was by far the most difficult and draining day of my entire life to this point which is why I was totally surprised to even be alive on Wednesday morning.
September 16th would have been my Dad's77th birthday. He died on December 26, 2007. That was the day I did one of the most difficult things I had ever done --I told him on his death bed that I forgave him for the physical, emotional and sexual abuse that I suffered at his hands as a child. He was an alcoholic and these abuses were inflicted as a result.
On Tuesday, I visited my son at an alcohol rehab center that he has been at for the past 3 weeks. It has been a long and emotionally exhausting experience to get him into treatment. He is angry and I am not sure he is totally convinced that he has a problem. The physical symptoms including severely elevated liver enzyme levels are there. So there is no doubt that he is an alcoholic as well. Anyhow, during a counseling session between the counselor, my son and myself he said he is not sure that he wants to have any sort of relationship with me. I was stunned and heartbroken. We have always been extremely close. My heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces and I am sure that I cried at least a million tears.
That is why I was totally shocked to have survived the night and to wake up on Wednesday. That is when the what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger phrase came into my head. I guess if I could survive THAT, I can handle just about anything.
In a strange way, it has given me my motivation(which has been kind of absent since we started the process of trying to get him some help) back. I decided that I can only take care of me and my reactions and will have to see what happens with the rest.
I have started running again and feel so much better. I just need to look for a goal to keep working towards.
I AM STRONGER THAN I EVER IMAGINED!!