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A glimpse into family life and anorexia...

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I am just so sad...

My anorexic son booked a vacation - by himself. 2 days in Ft Lauderdale, FL then a 7 day cruise on Royal Carribean to Jamaica, Haiti, and 2 other places.
He is going by himself! - starts tomorrow!

My husband and I told him our feelings about it and he is still going. Next week will be the longest of our lives - EVER. Tonight I told him he has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. He just waved at me!

I hate anorexia! It has made my son a narcissist and reduced his brain to mush. He had a real high IQ before this started. Now he can't think and has to weigh himself three times a day.

I hate that damn scale! I am tired of the word "diet". What happened to just being healthy? 300lb plus people are healthier than my 100lb son.

And, guess what - bulemia isn't just about throwing up...excessive exercise is considered bulemia!

I am sorry if this freaks you out - it is a reality. One thing I have learned over the past 9 months of my son'a illness is that it doesn't take much to go over the other side, it is absolutely the most scariest nightmare to watch your child literally starve. An eating disorder IS A MENTAL DISORDER. and it affects everyone around the person who has it.

The reality is that I cry at some point every single day. Some days it is so hard to get up, but I do. My husband and I can't plan anything ahead - we have lost a lot of money on trips we have had to cancel last minute because we will be there for our son first. I thank God our relationship is solid - I can't begin to imagine going through this myself. I am going through hell.

The reality is that we have to follow our son into bathrooms and call him on throwing up; we have to watch him- starving - order a salad while he is starving literally to death. He has no life anymore, his fingers are ice cold and his sense if humor and ornary smile are completely gone.

I miss him so much - and he lives in my house.

What do I do? I pray A LOT. And I put all my trust in God. And I listen to positive music. And I run. and I have to get support on FEAST - a parent anorexic website. I have to go to social services to find out there is nothing I. can do because he is 24. My son knows how I feel. I have not held back. I can't - if I lose him at least I know I said my peace.

So, what is my point in telling all of you - trying to lose weight or maintain?

Please don't let it get obsessive. My son always goes back to when he was heavy in high school, so proud that he lost weight. He got compliments, so he kept going. Started eating half of everything - now its a quarter.

There is a fine line.

Please be careful ....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • HOLLYM48
    I am so sorry for your pain and for your sons pain as well as I am sure that he suffers too. What a terrible thing to have to go thru for all of you.
    I will pray for him and for you that he will find the right way to eat, the healthy way to live and come back to you. It is a fine line and we all have to remember that for sure.
    1636 days ago
  • BEWELL48
    My heart goes out to you! Did he return safely?
    1636 days ago
    urg what an ordeal...
    I wish you and your family the best, and be so grateful that your husband is by your side. it means so much to have a partner that can hold you up.
    I think we discussed this already, but from over a decade of paramedic experience... i don't know how it works in the USA, but in Canada we call the police and have the patient submitted for an evaluation (if they are not willing to do so on their own). If the patient shows that they are a threat to themselves, they are forcibly put into the system, by court order.
    This may be your only hope... he may hate you for a while, but you are saving his life.
    Maybe talk about it with your local ambulance or police station...
    Good luck, and keep us posted. we are all thinking about you xoxo
    1642 days ago
    This have touched me more than you will ever know.... and I THANK you.... this is coming from a young lady that struggled with Bulimia my entire high school career. I will lift you all in prayer!! I know the struggle!!

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    1642 days ago
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    1642 days ago
  • CHERRY666
    1644 days ago
    I am so sorry for all that you, and he, are going through.
    1644 days ago
    I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.

    Mom was suicidal after Dad died and tried several times to take her own life. Once after she took pills, I told her that if she succeeded, I would publish in the paper that she died of a suicide. I don't know why, but after that, she never tried again. Perhaps she was embarrassed of having that known by the public.

    I don't know what to tell you. He is an adult and you and your husband have given your all to try to help him. Just know that you have friends that love and care about you.
    1644 days ago
    Wow. I am sorry for the hard time you're going through. I hope you are receiving counseling in whatever form feels right - from professionals or friends extended family or church members.

    Obviously you love your child. I wonder what motivates him to be selfdestructive? Course I'm sure you'd like to know that answer too.

    I have lost a family member to suicide and have a niece who has suicidal thoughts and practices cutting sometimes. She is seeing a counselor. I wish I could really understand these situations but I can't.

    Stay strong for your child, hopefully he will see his actions are not healthy. Until then as you already know it will be difficult. Do the best you can. Glad you have a great marriage and have some people to lean on.

    Continue to vent as necessary. We're all pulling for you. We do care about you.

    The week will be over soon. Keep your week busy and get support from whomever you need.

    I'm sure your son still loves you even if it is not evident in his actions.
    1644 days ago
    I grieve for you, truly.

    With my stepdaughter I learned that it is not necessarily about "that feels good so I'll lose a little more." In her case, there was no unhealthy weight to begin with - it was a control thing. The mental health issues that really are the foundation of eating disorders are deeper, and may be different for different people. (Control, fear, tentative sense of self-worth...) They are there before the obsession with food or exercise begins, and the obsession is a manifestation of them. Those same mental health issues, combined with malnutrition, can rob us of our loved ones, and of a part of ourselves. I've been in that horror, and am sending thoughts and prayers your way. It's beyond scary, and I only wish there was something "practical" I could do for you.

    As you've mentioned before, as heartbreaking as it is, there is a point at which he owns it, and the best you can do is care for your own hurt and your own well-being.

    1645 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/20/2013 11:49:13 AM
  • GRACE1054
    You did a very courageous thing by sharing your pain and I'm sure that anyone who even thinks his/her child may have an eating disorder will look more closely after reading your blog. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your husband and son. Stay strong and take care of yourself. emoticon
    1645 days ago
    1645 days ago
    I'm so sorry and I'm sending my best wishes and loving thoughts to you and your family.
    It steals away so much mental and physical energy from you, and still there so so little help at all...
    Now what he will be away try not to worry about what he is doing.
    I hope you and your husband will get some rest and peace during this week.
    1645 days ago
  • ADZY86
    Thank you for sharing your story with us all. I am so sorry you're going through this; as a parent it must be so so difficult to have to watch this happening. I really hope he gets the help he needs, soon. All you can do is continue to love and support him, say your piece and know you are doing everything you can do.

    I think the warning you've given us all is spot on. There really is a thin, thin line. I am sad to say that I think i've seen it quite a few times here on Spark. I know everyone has their own journey and their own goal weight, but sometimes I look at blogs/read spark pages and I think "you're going too far!" I never judge anyone or say anything, because who am I? But I sometimes just hope and pray that everyone has someone in their lives like you, someone who will tell it like it is.

    Even myself. Even though I am still heavy and have never gotten to my "goal weight" (whatever that is...the weight I'm happy with I mean) I have found myself many, many times getting overly obsessive. Cutting way back on food, over-exercising, lying about what I'm eating and how much I'm doing, thinking about losing weight constantly, binging and purging, desperate thoughts etc. Thankfully I've always been able to pull myself back into reality before it goes too far, but I am always mindful of it.

    Anyway, I won't keep going on. But thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it. And I'll be thinking of your son emoticon
    1645 days ago
    It is very difficult to watch your adult children make terrible life choices. I have been there with other life threatening problems. Ensure your get counseling, it can help you.
    1645 days ago
    I am incredibly sorry this is happening to your son, you and your family. I'm glad you are there for him and that you let him know that. Please continue to keep yourself healthy and my thoughts are with you all. emoticon
    1645 days ago
    1645 days ago
  • KATHY98665
    I am so sorry for your pain in seeing your son this way. How helpless you must feel...sending you hugs and prayers as you deal with this and that your son comes to realize the damage he is doing to himself and his relationships..thank you for sharing. emoticon emoticon
    1645 days ago
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