Thursday, September 19, 2013
I am just so sad...
My anorexic son booked a vacation - by himself. 2 days in Ft Lauderdale, FL then a 7 day cruise on Royal Carribean to Jamaica, Haiti, and 2 other places.
He is going by himself! - starts tomorrow!
My husband and I told him our feelings about it and he is still going. Next week will be the longest of our lives - EVER. Tonight I told him he has been one of the biggest highlights of my life. He just waved at me!
I hate anorexia! It has made my son a narcissist and reduced his brain to mush. He had a real high IQ before this started. Now he can't think and has to weigh himself three times a day.
I hate that damn scale! I am tired of the word "diet". What happened to just being healthy? 300lb plus people are healthier than my 100lb son.
And, guess what - bulemia isn't just about throwing up...excessive exercise is considered bulemia!
I am sorry if this freaks you out - it is a reality. One thing I have learned over the past 9 months of my son'a illness is that it doesn't take much to go over the other side, it is absolutely the most scariest nightmare to watch your child literally starve. An eating disorder IS A MENTAL DISORDER. and it affects everyone around the person who has it.
The reality is that I cry at some point every single day. Some days it is so hard to get up, but I do. My husband and I can't plan anything ahead - we have lost a lot of money on trips we have had to cancel last minute because we will be there for our son first. I thank God our relationship is solid - I can't begin to imagine going through this myself. I am going through hell.
The reality is that we have to follow our son into bathrooms and call him on throwing up; we have to watch him- starving - order a salad while he is starving literally to death. He has no life anymore, his fingers are ice cold and his sense if humor and ornary smile are completely gone.
I miss him so much - and he lives in my house.
What do I do? I pray A LOT. And I put all my trust in God. And I listen to positive music. And I run. and I have to get support on FEAST - a parent anorexic website. I have to go to social services to find out there is nothing I. can do because he is 24. My son knows how I feel. I have not held back. I can't - if I lose him at least I know I said my peace.
So, what is my point in telling all of you - trying to lose weight or maintain?
Please don't let it get obsessive. My son always goes back to when he was heavy in high school, so proud that he lost weight. He got compliments, so he kept going. Started eating half of everything - now its a quarter.
There is a fine line.
Please be careful ....