thinking out loud
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I have asked myself many times if I believe that goal is possible. I have hoped, I have prayed, I have worked, I have pondered and I have worked some more, in the end I seem to be filled with doubt. I am not sure if I have ever believed that I can do this. That I can some how amaze myself defy the odds and become the women that I want to be. I doubt this and I keep running from the possibility back to old familiar habits.
I went to a new doctor this week. This doctor is considerably younger than my other doctor. My other doctor is older than my father. My new doctor is younger than me. I am nearing grandma age so that is really possible, I have friends who are practicing doctors. But, he is a fresh face and willing to have a frank talk.
He asked me what my goal was. Apparently I was feeling shy, I said 135, 130 some place in there. Secretly for just a bit I want to weigh 132. Exactly 1/2 of what I weight on the day I thought I had had enough. He asked me then if I thought it was doable. Every part of me cringed and shrank back. I wanted so badly to say yes. YES I believe I can. But the voice of doubt that has been plaguing my thoughts recently came out and I answered simply "So far I haven't."
He assured me that he thought it was possible. He told me of a patient who took over 1400 units of insulin. He told me how she ended up in the hospital for 3 days in a coma and then said she had had enough. They had worked together for 2 years, not much change. After that hospitalization she turned her life around one small change at a time. Before he left to come back to our state it took her off her last medication.
He told me that even though he upped my insulin I could still get off medication. He also assured me that it would not mean going all the way to my goal. But, that I should still go all the way to my goal because that would be healthy.
He told me that it is doable but that it will most likely be the hardest thing I have ever done. The question I have been asking myself since then is if it is only hard why have I not done this. I am trying to figure out what in my thinking I have failed to figure out. But, I think the key is to keep doing the small things. I don't like the phrase baby steps. But doable steps, works for me.
I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I question if I will ever again feel beautiful. I really never did. But, I could. I could accept myself as being OK. I could accept that a good body can happen for me.
My little step right now is to eat salad and monitor the rest so that my blood sugar is on target.