Thursday, September 19, 2013
I am very depressed today.
I am claiming VICTORY over this depression.
I am having some very self-defeating thoughts: "I am not capable of working at a better job." "My character defects are so glaring that I am not a person anyone will want to be friends with." "My passions have left me. I just want to sleep away the rest of my life." "I am a complete narcissist with nothing to offer anyone else since I am so utterly self-absorbed and devoid of compassion."
For some reason, these thoughts are very compelling and seem very true, but they make me want to cry. When I think any one of those thoughts, it is like I am hitting myself--truly beating myself up. Uh, not helpful.
The problem is that other, more hopeful thoughts seem false/fake/pollyanna/laughable
Whatever that part of me that is putting forth those self-defeating thoughts and judging the more hopeful ones is not protecting me anymore (don't know if it ever did.)
Today I'll try saying to the negative part, "Hey. You are just trying to protect me, I know. I understand you're scared. Today we're going to breathe, observe beauty where it occurs, and leave the door of hope open just a crack. Today we're going to be gentle with me. Today I'm going to trust that a Higher Power has my back."