Wednesday, September 18, 2013
So, being at this semi epic crossroads on my life, Iíve been thinking. Deep thinking about quite a few things. Giving in, tossing in the towel on certain dreams and rediscovering others.
Iím pretty out of practice, but I used to be this girl that always got what she wanted. It may not have always came to me when and how I wanted it, but I had this clairvoyance or womenís intuitiveness on narrowing in on what I wanted to gain or achieve.
Maybe I squandered this ďgiftĒ in the usual childish way; maybe itís because I let myself get sidetracked from what I wanted to gain from this life. Or maybe I just needed to grow up for a bit. Itís harder now and seemingly impossible to gain and/or achieve those elusive things.
Iíd like to say I can just pick up where I left off on my dreams and goals, but then I feel all together lost in the how. So much I could say, with affection, of the life I dreamt of having at this age.
So, Iím struggling in this moment, afraid to give up what I now know and picking up on a dream that I felt yesterday I had outgrown. Iím afraid that once I start on this journey again the whole thing will drop. Iím not such a risk taker anymore. Too many disappointments and shattered realities, I guess.
Iím trying to suck it up and dig into that girl that pretended to be a woman, ran around the rules and did what felt right anyway. I hate my job and what Iíve let myself become. It makes me depressed not doing the things that made me so happy and excited to do.
Sitting down to write for 15 minutes used to thrill me like the first breath before you hit the water. Now it terrifies the sh** out of me. But I canít give up. I havenít had enough yet.
So, hereís to sucking it up and getting back that feeling. Feeling alive and achieving something again.
Todayís lesson: if you come home from work so tired and crying, you are depressed. Make a change. Big or small, but make a change.