Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I say to survive only cause lately that's all I've been doing. Although It's hard to admit that all my so called living has been a fake out to show people I'm thriving as a single mother who's got it together. The only one I'm lying to is myself of course. Everyone else can see the physical toll it's taken starting with weight gain, followed by hair loss, then adult acne. I mean come on who am I kidding?..Right? Problem is I really just don't know how to let it out, fall apart, and sob uncontrollably, which would be a much needed soul cleansing. Instead I hold it together while numbing whatever feelings I'm not allowed to feel. I read this quote from Jim Carrey.. not sure if he said it or not, but it got me thinking if I can stop hiding behind a smile by numbing with food and allow myself to really feel.
"Heaven is on the other side of that feeling you get when you're sitting on the couch and you get up and make a triple decker sandwich. It's on the other side of that, when you don't make the sandwich. It's about sacrifice... It's about giving up the things that basically keep you from feeling. That's what I believe , anyway. I'm always asking 'What am I going to give up next?' Because I want to feel - Jim Carrey