Wednesday, September 18, 2013
I haven't been blogging the past couple of days. I have been shutting down emotionally. I want to blame it on a number of factors. Being with my aging parents is truly difficult for me. I am at a loss as to how to handle it. In the 5 months since I was last here, I've seen some gradual changes.
Another thing that is going on with me is that I'm feeling depressed. Partly due to my parents' house. It doesn't have enough windows and it is surrounded by trees, so it isn't very bright inside. The walls are all dark...it is a log home with natural wood logs on the interior walls. Very poor lighting so it's hard to read, knit or work on my art. Boredom and depression are leading me to old habits of eating. This depresses me further because I feel I'm backtracking on my progress back home.
An issue that I'm not sure of the validity of, is I have recently eliminated one of the mood-stabilizers I was on. It's probably a combination of things.
I did have a wonderful day with my favorite Aunt and Uncle yesterday. They picked me up and we spent the day talking, eating and driving to a Creamery (a must because I'm in Wisconsin and have to take cheese back to friends and family!)
While I was out yesterday, my dad told my mom about my plans to head back home and cut my trip short by 5 days. I was sure she would take it personally. We aren't that close. Never have been. When I got back from my day, Mom was standing over a dessert she slaved over while in pain, which is an old favorite for me and she wanted to offer it as something to soothe her guilt over not feeling like she'd given me any special attention since I arrived. Her way of showing love, which is typical. It is why I love sweets. They represent mom's love and I have to eat it to show her that I accept her love. This is all a new realization for me. Maybe not new, but it's the first time I've recognized it as it was happening since joining SP. She actually made a rhetorical remark while standing over the dessert,"I guess I haven't done anything for you since you've been here." I told them both when I arrived I don't expect them to wait on me, or entertain me. But to be honest, I did feel slighted when she didn't hardly acknowledge me or express gratitude that I made the trip. But she raves about my SIL and her kids all the time. When they showed up and made dinner for Mom, she became all energetic and gave lots of attention to them and acted like she was her younger self. So maybe I am jealous. Am I acting like a brat to leave and just get out of the situation? I feel like I am. But I also feel like this is toxic for me and I'm sabotaging all the progress I've made with healthy eating.
I'll have spent 8 days here in the end, so that is a good while. Dad noticed something was going on with me and suggested I change my flight. And hubby had to listen to me complain three times a day and said he was about to change my flight for me if I didn't hurry up and do it. No one wants to see me miserable, especially since I have a rocky mental health history.
Sorry for being such a downer today. But you all are my friends and I needed shoulders to cry on. Thanks for listening and being supportive. Love you all!