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I'm Out of Here. . .Things are Toxic

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I haven't been blogging the past couple of days. I have been shutting down emotionally. I want to blame it on a number of factors. Being with my aging parents is truly difficult for me. I am at a loss as to how to handle it. In the 5 months since I was last here, I've seen some gradual changes.

Another thing that is going on with me is that I'm feeling depressed. Partly due to my parents' house. It doesn't have enough windows and it is surrounded by trees, so it isn't very bright inside. The walls are all dark...it is a log home with natural wood logs on the interior walls. Very poor lighting so it's hard to read, knit or work on my art. Boredom and depression are leading me to old habits of eating. This depresses me further because I feel I'm backtracking on my progress back home.

An issue that I'm not sure of the validity of, is I have recently eliminated one of the mood-stabilizers I was on. It's probably a combination of things.

I did have a wonderful day with my favorite Aunt and Uncle yesterday. They picked me up and we spent the day talking, eating and driving to a Creamery (a must because I'm in Wisconsin and have to take cheese back to friends and family!)

While I was out yesterday, my dad told my mom about my plans to head back home and cut my trip short by 5 days. I was sure she would take it personally. We aren't that close. Never have been. When I got back from my day, Mom was standing over a dessert she slaved over while in pain, which is an old favorite for me and she wanted to offer it as something to soothe her guilt over not feeling like she'd given me any special attention since I arrived. Her way of showing love, which is typical. It is why I love sweets. They represent mom's love and I have to eat it to show her that I accept her love. This is all a new realization for me. Maybe not new, but it's the first time I've recognized it as it was happening since joining SP. She actually made a rhetorical remark while standing over the dessert,"I guess I haven't done anything for you since you've been here." I told them both when I arrived I don't expect them to wait on me, or entertain me. But to be honest, I did feel slighted when she didn't hardly acknowledge me or express gratitude that I made the trip. But she raves about my SIL and her kids all the time. When they showed up and made dinner for Mom, she became all energetic and gave lots of attention to them and acted like she was her younger self. So maybe I am jealous. Am I acting like a brat to leave and just get out of the situation? I feel like I am. But I also feel like this is toxic for me and I'm sabotaging all the progress I've made with healthy eating.

I'll have spent 8 days here in the end, so that is a good while. Dad noticed something was going on with me and suggested I change my flight. And hubby had to listen to me complain three times a day and said he was about to change my flight for me if I didn't hurry up and do it. No one wants to see me miserable, especially since I have a rocky mental health history.


Sorry for being such a downer today. But you all are my friends and I needed shoulders to cry on. Thanks for listening and being supportive. Love you all!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIMBERLY_Y 9/21/2013 5:42PM

    Wow! That is an amazing realization you had regarding you and your mom with the sweets. I am so sorry that you felt slighted. I think you were feeling what anyone would feel if they saw their mom treating another nicer than their own daughter. Good for you to recognize the situation as toxic. I live three hours away from my mom and usually see her every two to three months. There is guilt but when I get there I know that I can't stay for long.

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SERENITEE29 9/21/2013 2:23PM

    Good for you for recognizing and then removing yourself from this situation. Our families of origin shape us, there is no doubt. It's not until we are away from that environment (and sometimes for a LONG time) that we realize this fact.

You are stronger than you think :)

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SUEPERWOMAN 9/21/2013 10:55AM

 
You're not being a downer, you are just sharing your truth, and that is NEVER a bad thing.

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MISSUSRIVERRAT 9/21/2013 6:06AM

    You seem to have a great awareness of yourself and the situation. Yes, it does sound like it is toxic for you and that you need to remove yourself from it because it cannot be changed.

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LINDA! 9/19/2013 6:37PM

    I also suffer from depression. If I were off of one of my meds, it would probably make any situation more difficult for me. For you sake, please return to your own home. I know how upset I often I am around family. I only have one person left in my immediate family, a brother. My inlaws are the ones that hit my hot button. I could not imagine having to stay with them for even one night. emoticon

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KANOE10 9/19/2013 8:23AM

    I am sorry for your pain. Families can be so hard. I would consider changing my tickets if possible. Maybe in the future limit your time or stay at a motel. Your drug change could also be affecting you. Be compassionate with yourself. You have just had a little detour and will soon find yourself on track again.

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_JODI404 9/18/2013 11:39PM

    I'm so sorry to hear that things went downhill and turned into a toxic situation!

I know you had so much anticipation and excitement about making this trip.
You have to take care of yourself and make the best decisions you can. If your Dad and your hubby were seeing the same thing... it helps validate the necessity of your change in plans.

The day at the creamery with your Aunt & Uncle sounds fun.

I hope you have safe travels back home and will feel comfort in returning to your husband and desirable healthy routines.

I'm glad that you can blog to work through these difficulties and you have great support here on Spark!

Hugs & love!

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ANGGEL40 9/18/2013 8:55PM

    Awww..so sorry that you and your Mom is having a hard time..I know that you have to do what's best for your health..but also remember she is your Mom and we only get one..cherish every moment whether it's good or bad..Please sit down and talk with her about how you feel..God Bless you and your parents..keeping you in my Prayers..thanks for sharing! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/18/2013 8:56:55 PM

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HDHAWK 9/18/2013 6:17PM

    Taking care of anyone with an illness is extremely draining. You have to remember to take care of you too. Hugs!

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JULIAINLA 9/18/2013 4:57PM

    I am sorry for your pain. Family pain issues cut very deep. Yes I understand that a yummy sweet can temp. relieve our pain but then we have that guilt for eating it . . Seems like you need much more attention and validation from your mother/family...and aren't getting it. ,either point this out to her /them-(mention to your mom that the raving about your SIL hurts your feelings?) ...or if that's not possible then yes, leaving a place soon you find toxic sounds like a good idea. Its too bad that you (and I) find it tough to tell family what we need from them. I am working on it and getting a reputation for being pushy/selfish (lol).- but I dont care as much anymore. Im tired of being the person who gets overlooked/walked on. Anyway, I hope you might find my thoughts helpful. If not sorry. Either way please give yourself many hugs and positive affirmations. Make sure you get enough exercise-important to help fight /aid depression. Also look into some ways on internet you can get some light therapy...they say thats helpful to being in darker environments. Hang in there. You are a brave strong lovable person!

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KELLIEBEAN 9/18/2013 3:16PM

    I'm proud of you for recognizing many factors that play into how you feel.

Eight days with family can be a long time even when there are no mental health issues so I think you did wonderfully.

I am having similar issues today so I can totally relate to what you are saying. Thank you for sharing such difficult family issues!

You have to do what it takes to take care of yourself.

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SHERIO5 9/18/2013 3:06PM

    emoticon

No one else can take care of you, you have to do what is best for you.

Families can be so difficult, so much history, good and bad, but you have learned some things from this trip, right? Accepting that your mom is just who she is, not likely to change, might be easier in smaller doses?

Whatever you do, hold your head up, breathe and smile. You have many people who love you, just as you are! emoticon

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SHERIO5 9/18/2013 3:06PM

    emoticon

No one else can take care of you, you have to do what is best for you.

Families can be so difficult, so much history, good and bad, but you have learned some things from this trip, right? Accepting that your mom is just who she is, not likely to change, might be easier in smaller doses?

Whatever you do, hold your head up, breathe and smile. You have many people who love you, just as you are! emoticon

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SHERIO5 9/18/2013 3:06PM

    emoticon

No one else can take care of you, you have to do what is best for you.

Families can be so difficult, so much history, good and bad, but you have learned some things from this trip, right? Accepting that your mom is just who she is, not likely to change, might be easier in smaller doses?

Whatever you do, hold your head up, breathe and smile. You have many people who love you, just as you are! emoticon

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CHRISTASP 9/18/2013 2:21PM

    I hope it helped to write about it.
Sounds like you and your parents / mother have some more work to do with regard to communication. It may be best to do it per phone or letter rather than in their house where you don't feel you have your own place...

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CHERYL_ANNE 9/18/2013 1:56PM

    My dear, you know what works for you. I commend you for recognizing that ,despite the coping skills and mechanisms you have in place - you did what you needed to and changed your plans.

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ANNEMAC5 9/18/2013 1:27PM

    I can understand the need to get away you have managed a good bit of time.
Take care emoticon

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KNYAGENYA 9/18/2013 1:23PM

    You need to do what is best for you and your mental health. Toxic surroundings can do a lot of harm. Good luck. I'm an email away if you want to talk. emoticon

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PEZMOM1 9/18/2013 1:09PM

    emoticon

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SPARKLERS30 9/18/2013 1:07PM

    Thank you for sharing with such truth and honesty. I think you are learning your boundaries and I'm very proud of you! It isn't easy, but you turned the focus on what you can do yourself. GREAT JOB. Not easy. You played out my favorite prayer with grace. "God, Grant me the Serenity, To ACCEPT the things I can not change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference" Thanks again for sharing. emoticon emoticon

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GODDREAMDIVA1 9/18/2013 12:58PM

    emoticon

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