First let me
for all the kind words of support, goodies & being kind enough to take of your own precious time to support me or reach out to help me feel less alone.
You may never know how much just a quick hello, I'm thinking of you meant. Or Bible verses left , to lift my spirits. I have dealt with the pain of physical illness in those I love, as MANY of you have. My brother was in a car accident at 19, was in a coma for sometime & died. I cared for my father as he lost the battle at 57 to colon cancer. I would go to him right when my son went to school, stay there until my son came home.Wait an hour for my husband to come home.Go back.Stay until 8:00. Went home, put my son to bed. Stayed up until 2:00-3:00am every morning doing bills, house cleaning, laundry, cooking meals to leave for my family. Repeat it daily for months until he died.
A year later, my husband, 38, after suffering severe pain, numerous Doctor & ER visits was finally diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer & died a year later. I didn't work .He was a very private man. I stayed there & cared for him & my Autistic son . I only had Hospice come in the last few days so they could instruct me in how to help him transition from this life. To watch that... there is no words. God bless my DH.
Now , my son. You all know he is Autistic, which is a struggle in it's own, but one I have embraced as who he was meant to be.I'll just help him be the happiest, most independent Autistic he could be. This meant daily therapies , diet changes. There wasn't any sacrifice I wouldn't endure to see him happy. Which he was most of his childhood, don't get me wrong it was VERY challenging , but he seemed happy.
In the first eight years of his life however he had nine surgeries & came close to death. We lived at the Doctors & out of state hospitals. The Doctors used to ask me if I was a nurse in another state because I learned how to run his machines, change his dressings & assisted the other wards in our room. haha. He made it through & then started to become well after eight.
So you see, I'm no stranger to pulling up my bootstraps & dealing with the hard stuff. I was beaten every time, but not defeated.
Then, mental illness ... this IS a whole other monster, a dark lonely place
My son turned 14, grew whiskers, acne & turned into another child .Defiant & angry, as I'm sure many of you have experienced with typical teens. His OCD started to show then. He'd only walk on certain squares on a tiled floor, try to manage that in a mall
He wouldn't say words with O's . He could negate them quickly, pretty smart kid, you couldn't pat him or he'd go into a fit . I came up with erasing the tap if someone did it, that worked Thank God., etc. , etc.The rules consume his life.
Behaviors & OCD continued to worsen. He had to start attending classes for behavior students.At sixteen I gave in & started bringing him to a Psychiatrist for medication intervention , because he wasn't functioning well & school was finding him VERY challenging, to say the least. This brought us on a horrible med test & my son was the guinea pig. Four years of OCD & other meds. They would start to work, but then level out.He would be on a small dose & need to go much higher because he has severe OCD. Next dose, still not even a medium range & he'd become very angry. School would call me constantly. i'd talk him down over the phone, frantically hoping he'd respond so i didn't get fired from work. Having to leave work because he was grabbing someone or locked in bathroom, etc. I was the child who ALWAYS did as I was told without question, so to try & grasp this was almost unbearable, but I knew it wasn't his fault.
The reason he'd become angry I just found out this year, is because he has Bi'Polar & the OCD drug helps the OCD, but will trigger a Bi-Polar reaction if you have BP ! Finally , at least I understand.
In Jan of this year he was hospitalized because he was breaking everything in my home, holding me down, locking me in rooms,yelling in my face, completely out of control it's the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life & I've have dealt with some scary issues. I saw this coming.It's like a big freight train is headed for your child , you don't see it yet , but you hear the horn in the distance, you scramble, but to no avail, he's still on the tracks, you cry out for help, but they cannot move him either. You see the light, then the train & step in front to brace for the impact. You have lost control & there's nothing you can do but watch as it happens.
I had to call the police. He had to be taken down in a very violent way.Mind you he's like a little boy in his mind & can't understand what's happening. He started to have a seizure . The staff at the mental ward was great, but it isn't set up for special needs individuals. He was violently taken down & sedated over & over & had to be put five point restraints.He'd yell out Mommy help me !
This changed who i was. this took a part of me I'll never regain. Now it's returned & he's been abusive & he's suffering in his own mind & I do NOT know how to help him. His OCD med was just upped about a week ago . He is showing improvement & it gives me some hope. However, he did have to be restrained at his program yesterday, but the morning was better than usual.
I know this is probably the longest blog in Spark's history. It wasn't meant to be, but I guess as I began to write this all poured out . I have always expressed my feelings in written word. I am sorry for the length, but you all have been SO supportive & I wanted you to understand.
I want you all to know how much your support has meant to me & that I think of you all often & that I've come to a place I'm just drained. My spirit is weakened. My faith is being tested & I don't know how much more I have to give. Where is the line drawn when your child is in peril, though ? Please know I DO care about your journeys. I am just trying to keep my head above water right now.As I told my friend, I am doing this alone , for years. Some single parents take advantage of respite every month or two. I cannot even do that because they can't control him.So it's been a long hill to climb. I KNOW I have been blessed along the way & am SO thankful. I guess my strength is wavering. I turn to my Lord all the time. I wouldn't have lasted this long if not for His Grace.