Tuesday, September 17, 2013
I feel like I have been neglecting this website, more importantly, my body! I had been staying with my parents most of the summer because I was working full time at the retirement home again doing housekeeping. I didn't want to have to drive 15 miles at 6:00 in the morning when they only live about a mile away. We had opportunities to come back home for some weekends, but now I'm home permanently. school will be starting on the 30th, and I wanted to get home and settled. I am really excited to begin this year.
Weight wise, I actually ended up gaining. That's okay though because I know how to get back. I have to start slow. Tomorrow I will be tracking EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth. I also aim to drink at least 5 cups of water, and to at least go for a 30 minute walk. If I can do that, then I know I'm on the right track to at least build the habit of tracking food again. I will worry about cutting calories once I develop that habit. I know that counting calories works-as long as I am honest about it. Every time I have successfully lost weight, I have counted calories to do it.
I can feel the difference physically from the gain in weight. I can't believe the damage just 30 pounds can do to your body! I feel this on me and I notice it because I got as low as 238 this year, and now I'm over at about 270 pounds. It's not entirely due to inactivity either. I literally have just been eating a lot, and letting the addiction take over. I had some cake in the fridge. I had made it yesterday. I was thinking about how I was going to throw the rest of it away because I knew Adam wasn't going to eat it, and I knew I didn't want to say I ate an entire cake. As I thought about throwing it away, another thought interrupted me: "Why should I throw it away if I'm going to want it later? I'm not going to have access to a gym until the 30th, so why should I even bother now?"
I really sat there for a minute, and thought about how I wanted a piece of that cake. I realized that it was the addiction talking. Usually when people who are addicted to something start thinking about giving up their drug, or thinking about at least slowing down, the addictive personality comes in, and they just want another taste, a final 'hurrah'. In me, that urge to eat not only works the same way that smokers thinking about cigarettes makes them want to smoke, but I feel in my case it was a last ditch effort for my addictive personality to remind myself why I SHOULDN'T throw it away.
I did end up throwing it away which is good. There was no way that I was going to admit to myself that I had eaten an entire cake. I think that move was the first in getting myself back to where I need to be. I have one year left at a school where I know there is free gym access-with lots of good equipment too. I should definitely use it. I will have the time between classes and homework. I can do this! I also decided that I will finally take the advice of the personal trainer and plan my meals a week in advance. I believe it will help curb spontaneous eating, and it will also help with time management. I am definitely going to be one busy girl this year.
Tomorrow I'm taking a tour of Willamette University. Adam and I are going to sit in on a class and speak with the head of admissions, as well as take a tour. I am excited and nervous. I just want to know if this is really going to be the thing for me. I originally wanted to do social work, but after hearing stories from other people, I just don't believe it will be worth it to me. I know it shouldn't just be about the money, but I would like to get a return on the investment to my education I've made. I'd like to be debt free some day. I'd like to be successful someday.
I guess that's all I really have to talk about. I can feel the town getting ready for fall term. There's a lot of people moving in and it will probably continue throughout the next couple of weeks. I can hear a party or something in the apartments behind our house. I am seriously SO excited to see where this year will take me.