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Late Nite Funnies

Monday, September 16, 2013

The kids are going back to school. When I was a kid, you used to take an apple to school for the teacher to get on her good side. Now you send over a drink. -Dave Letterman

Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It's called 'Lame Duck Dynasty.' -Jay Leno

Do you have the new iPhone yet, the new iPhone 5? You'd better get the new iPhone 5 because you're not going to see another one for... three, four months. -David Letterman

It's a great day if you like football. Who doesn't? Al-Qaida, that's who doesn't! They say, "Sorry, it's too violent." -Craig Ferguson

Last night a new NFL season began. On Sunday, hundreds of thousands of American men begin five long months of wagering their hard-earned money so they can buy their wives that Valentine's Day gift. -Jimmy Kimmel

I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court. -Classic Craig Ferguson

Well, President Obama and first lady Michelle went to see the U.S. Olympic basketball team play Brazil the other day. And during the game, they were put on the kiss cam. At first, they didn't kiss and the crowd booed them. Then the camera went back to them. And they finally did kiss. Isn't that amazing? A politician in Washington caught on camera kissing a woman he's actually married to? -Classic Jay Leno

President Obama said 1992’s dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president. -Classic Jimmy Fallon

According to researchers in London, babies are born to dance, and they greatly prefer music to speech. The music they like best is Lady Gaga. -Jay Leno

Scientists now say French kissing can lead to sexually transmitted diseases. I think I have a way to avoid French kissing: Get married. -David Letterman

A survey has found that 26 percent of people admit to texting while driving. The other 74 percent admitted to texting while being hit by a car. -Jimmy Fallon
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